"The U.S. out of the U.S.! Freedom for all!"

"I had that experience in Japan. I had to take a poo, and not knowing the language, I didn't know how to find a bathroom. You would've thought I'd be smart enough to figure that out before I left for the trip, but I didn't... So, finally, I found some French guy, and he told me I was screwed. He said the closest bathroom, other than one of those holes in the ground, was 15 minutes away by subway. So, I got on the train, holding it back, and then when I got to the place the guy told me about, it was one of those holes in the ground. But I had to go so bad that I didn't care. The problem, though, was I couldn't figure out how to lower my pants and squat without falling over into the hole. But by that point, I had to really go, so I just pulled my pants off over my shoes and stood over the hole. I think only half of it fell in. And then I couldn't figure out how to wipe. I mean, there wasn't any paper or water or nothing in the room. Just the hole. It wasn't until later that I figured out you have to buy toilet paper from a machine before you go into the room with the hole. Generally, I had a shitty day."

"I used to take CalTrain to work, but so many people were jumping in front of the train to commit suicide that it took twice as long to get to Redwood City than if I just drove."
"Sometimes, I had that problem in Germany."
"Yeah, but don't the Germans like to take a few other people out before they commit suicide? Isn't there a German word for that?"
"No."

"A box fell over in my closet and it's blocking the door. I can't get anything out of there--not even my socks--so, I went to the hardware store to ask if they knew anyone who could jimmy the thing open..."
"And what'd they say?"
"That nobody does that kind of work anymore."

"She needs to read that book about fear."
"The one about listening to it?"
"The one about facing it."
"Do you remeber the title?"
"Something Fear. By that one doctor."
"I'll look for it."

"Sit down, Mike! Sit down!"
"This cigarette looks like a bullet."
"Sit down!"
"Like the bullets in Iraq."
"Okay, now sit down. Please."
"I could shoot a fly off the wall over there."
"Okay, that's good. Now sit down. Sit!"
"It's too hot to sit."
"Then stand quietly."
"I need to sit."
"Then sit, quietly."

"He saw me seeing him."
"Shut up. Keep seeing him."
"He's seeing us."
"That's fine because we're seeing him."
"He's so hot."
"I can see that."

"Yo, check that out."
"Goddamn, what are they feeding white women these days?"

"And the homeless guy shouted at my Mom, 'You're just another Zionist!'".
"But your Mom is Korean."
"That's what I mean. Everyone is thinking way too much about the Middle-East."

"Hey, boy, we missed you at AppleBee's last night."
"Goddamn, that was last night? I always miss the best things in life."

"I'm a Research Technical Analyst."
"So what do you do?"
"Whatever the fuck I want."

"I got so trashed last night, dude."
"That's so cool."
"Yeah, my head's killing me, though."
"It'll go away. Hey, what'd you got going on tonight?"
"Nothing."
"You want to head to The 500 Club? It's two-for-Tuesday pints."
"Awesome."

"Alien vs. Predator could've been such a better movie."
"How so?"
"Take out the plot..."
"There's a plot?"
"A little. Anyhow, take it out and add Starship Troopers, so then you get Alien vs. Predator vs. Starship Troopers."
"Oscar material."
"Exactly."

"Who's the woman in your tattoo?"
"It's not a woman. It's Geronimo."
"Who?"
"Geronimo. The native American leader."
"He looks like a chick."

"'Cuz my register don't work, that's why."
"Did you page Felix?"
"Of course I paged him. He don't respond, never. Every time my register is down, it's call Felix this, call Felix that. And I don't ever see the man. I don't even know if he exists. John's the one that always fixes my register. When I page Felix, I get John. For all I know they're the same guy."

"Just go in there and tell them they're jerks."
"That's not a professional way to end a job."
"Jerks. You guys are a bunch of no good, lousy jerks. There's nothing profane about it."
"It just doesn't sound good, Dad."

"Just bodies and gasoline."
"Cops?"
"No."

"Three bucks to ride the cable car! That's outrageous!"
"But it's an experience."
"An experience? The damn things move as fast as a fat man on crutches."
"But they're pleasant."
"Pleasant? The cable that pulls them up the hill sounds like a chainsaw. No way am I going. No way."
"Come on."
"No way!"

"You're lucky. My brother is such a loser."
"How come?"
"For starters, he's 21 and still living at home. And he smokes pot like it's a career. He's even proud of the fact that he got some doctor to prescribe him pot for insomnia. He uses the prescription to go to the cannabis clubs to get his supply, and then he sells it at cost to anyone who wants to buy it. He thinks he's doing some kind of community out-reach instead of drug-dealing."
"Do your parents know?"
"Yeah, but they're too scared to kick him out of the house because they don't know where or what he'd deal. As long as he's at home, they have an idea of what he's up to."

"Some guy just ran to the toilet like his ass was screaming."

"That's trippy. Is the door supposed to be locked from the inside?"
"I don't think so."
"That's trippy. Look, if you push the handle, it doesn't move in the direction it's supposed to. Isn't that trippy? But if I push the handle this way, it totally opens. Look. Trippy."

"You were all telling me how great the buffet at the Bellagio was, and it sucked."
"What are you talking about?"
"What am I talking about? We went in toward the end of lunch--they were setting up for dinner--and then they took all the food away. We would go up and try to get food, and they would say, 'Get away, that's for the dinner customers.' Then we'd say, 'Then where's the food for the lunch customers?' And they said, 'Lunch is over.' We said, 'We paid for lunch.' And then they said, 'There is no lunch. Go pay for dinner.'"
"So the buffet didn't suck, you were just stupid."

"Your dog tried to bite his leg off?"
"No, my daughter. She's three."

"Speaking of crack, don't you have somewhere to be?"
"Dude, you're quick today. I can't top that."

"Spare any change?"
"Sorry."
"I'm sorry, too. Sorry for asking."

"My hands are as clean as Michael Jackson's."

"That fog sure doesn't make you want to take off your clothes and run naked through the water."
"Neither does that dead sea lion."

"Spare any change?"
"Sorry."
"Yeah, right. Thanks a million, pal. Thanks for everything."

"Yo, man, check this out: breaking the law, making the law..."

"You'd think I was their only goddamn employee. I'm sick of the place. Hell, I should incorporate myself."

"Okay, thanks for keeping me posted. No, I think it's very important. Sure, sure. Call me next year."

"The leather was a new experience for me."
"Really?"
"And I'm done with it."
"Sorry to hear that."

"Dude, you know all those strippers are, like, smart. They all strip to pay for college and shit."
"Yeah, I know."

"Hey, look at my dry-cleaning bag."
"They love their customers?"
"My Saturday's taken care of."

"Oh my God, I don't know why I'm doing this. I can't afford to spend any more money on clothes."
"I'm so sorry. Here, try these on. They'll make you look like such a hoochie-momma."

"So I say, 'Travis, you're almost 30-years-old. Have you thought about what you're going to do with your life? And he says, 'Music.' So I ask him how many shows he's played in the last 5 years. And he says, 'Zero.'"
"Yeah, but how many novels have you written in the last 5 years?"
"But when asked about my future, I don't go around saying, 'Writing.' Plus, I have a job, a savings account, and a roof over my head."

"I-C-E C-R-E-A-M!"
"No."
"I-C-E C-R-E-A-M!"
"I said, no."

"This is just too much."
"I know, look at all these people. Where are we going to sit?"
"Just too much..."
"Is that a spot up front?"
"No."
"What are we going to do?"
"Stand, I guess."
"You've got to be kidding me."
"Do you see a spot?"
"My goodness, no."
"This is the last time we're coming here. I absolutely will not put up with this."

"Vince, can you sneeze with your eyes open?"
"Yeah."
"No you can't. It's impossible."
"No it's not."
"Then do it."
"But I don't have to sneeze right now."
"Next time you have to sneeze, let me know. And do it with your eyes open."
"Okay."

"Tall latte for Gay-bin!"
"Thanks, that's Gavin."
"It says Gay-bin on the cup."
"Then that must be my name."

"Okay, here's the trash can."
"What for?"
"To put the trash in, stupid."

"So, you want cash back?"
"No. I just like buttons. I like pushing them."

"His career is going gangbusters because he's stealing from all of his clients."

"Robin, latte for Robin! Robin, turkey sandwich for Robin! Robin, salami sandwich for Robin!"
"Guess everyone knows your name, now."

"And I'll take these, please."
"Did you pay for your treatment already?"
"Yes."
"Credit card or cash?"
"It was a gift certificate."
"That was thoughtful. I don't see a gift certificate here, though."
"It was phoned in yesterday, probably by credit card."
"Okay, let me see... Hey, Cynthia? Cynthia? Sorry, she's always busy... Cynthia! Where's the roster for this morning's treatments?"
"--"
"Well, why wasn't it near the computer?"
"--"
"This gentleman wants to add these items to his gift certificate."
"Actually, I can pay for those separately."
"You sure?"
"Yes."
"Okay. Let me subtract the price of the items from the gift certificate."
"It was a phoned in credit card payment, not necessarily a gift certificate."
"Oh, that's right. Sorry about that."
"No problem."
"Cynthia, how do... Cynthia! Damnit. Sorry. She always runs off."
"That's okay."
"Cynthia, how do I add these items to the phoned in credit card payment?"
"--"
"I wanted to pay for these items with cash."
"Oh, that's right. Sorry about that. That'll be $4.75."
"Thanks."
"No, thank you. And I hope you enjoyed your relaxing stay."

"I'll have the decaf Earl Grey. What'll you have, Jenny?"
"The chocolate peppermint sounds good."
"Oh, that does sound good. I'll change my order to that, please."
"What a minute. Is the chocolate peppermint have caffeine?"
"There's chocolate in it. There's probably a little."
"Oh, I can't have that."
"Switch my order too."
"So what will you have?"
"I can't deal with any black teas."
"Me neither."
"Here's our list of green."
"Oh, they all sound so good."
"What's matach?"
"It's a green tea, silly."
"I know but what is it?"
"Powdered."
"You mean, it's, like, instant."
"No, the leaves are ground into a powder. It's Japanese."
"Oh, I don't like Asian teas."
"Let's go with the Earl Grey."
"So both of you want the Earl Grey?"
"Yes."
"Hey, wait a second. Doesn't that have caffeine? Jenny, does it have caffeine?"
"Yes, it does. It's also a black tea. Let's look at the list of green teas again."
"Knock yourself out..."

"Hey, where's Time Square?"
"Time Square?"
"Yeah."
"You mean, Union Square?"
"No, Time Square."
"Three-thousand miles that way."

"C'mon, Janice. Two more. Let's go!"
"I, can't."
"You can!"
"My back. My weak spot."
"Make that weak spot your sweet spot!"

"My God, whenever I try to walk the dogs across the street, cars speed up."
"No, your dogs are way too cute."

"Hey, you guys. I just found out The Cure show was sold out."
"No way!"
"Yes way. So, we're going to have to bum-rush eBay to get tickets."

"I think I have to go to the bathroom."
"Like, crap?"

"H-e-l-l-o, pants. It's a very good night to be you, isn't it? G-o-o-d-b-y-e, shirt. You wouldn't want that as a neighbor, would you?"
"Agreed. That's a tenancy uncommon."

"I just don't allow him to eat soy."
"None at all?"
"Not one soy bean. His performance wanes."
"No, are you kidding me?"
"He's, well, not up to it."
"I've never heard that."
"It makes sense, doesn't it? They tell us to eat soy all the time because it mimics estrogen. What do you think anything that mimics estrogen would do to a man?"
"Oh..."
"Exactly."

"Can you believe that jerk? He almost ran us over."
"Get used to it. It's part of the lifestyle."

"After all, you don't know who could be walking by you on the sidewalk."
"What do you mean?"
"Your future boyfriend or husband could be passing right on by you."
"I doubt that."
"Why?"
"In this city, it's more like your future stalker."

"Hey! Hey! Yo, Hey! I got your number, baby. I sure got your number. You know it. It's in my pocket getting nice and warm."

"You're going to leave your quarters here?"
"Nobody's going to take them. Losers don't live here."
"Losers live everywhere."

"Hey, look at that guy. He's like the Mexian Sean Connery."
"Yeah, he looks exactly like Sean Connery."
"You think James Bond is Mexican?"
"I think you have to be a subject of the royal crown to be in Her Majesty's Seceret Service."

"You need to park here?"
"Park."
"Yeah, you need me to move?"
"Parts. Up? Down?"
"Yeah, the parts department is there--first floor. So, you need me to move or what?"
"Park for parts?"
"Christ, do you need me to move my car so that you can get to parts?"
"No, park car to get parts."
"You know, fuck this. Go find a spot..."
"Park here?"

"Sweetheart, you forgot to add my account number."
"I'm sorry sir."
"Not a problem. Just do it."
"There you go. Again, sorry about that."
"It's okay, sweetheart. We all have our days of failure."

"You know, black people own all ATMs."
"What are you talking about?"
"That's why the surcharges keep going up. They're empowering themselves."
"I can't talk to you anymore."

"Hey, you got a customer."
"Yeah, I've seen them before."

"Hey, where's the cherry juice?
"We're out."
"Then maybe you should take the sign down."
"Can't. That's the name of our store."

"You know coffee causes cancer. They just can't prove it yet."
"That milk you just poured into your tea causes sinus and allergy infections."
"Only in large amounts. And only in those with a genetic predisposition towards respiratory problems."
"That contradicts what I read on WebMD."
"The Internet is not a doctor."
"And either are you."
"But I read books."