"Why is Hannah walking like that?"
"Maybe she's got poop in her diaper. She gets embarrassed."
"Jesus, that's great."
"You don't know the half of it. There's a point where their pooh gets more solid and human looking. It makes you want to gag. Thank God they want to crap like adults. Hannah, it's okay honey. Is there poop in there? Well go tell Mommy."

"You hear that Gibson? The more fucked up a guitar is, the more glory it makes."

"Yeah, that's my Husker Du album."
"Anything else?"
"Also, that Tool CD."
"Need a tool?"
"No, I also want to buy that CD by Tool."
"Oh, sorry."
"It's all good."

"When people ask me what my credentials are as a Financial Advisor, and I tell them I got a BA in Literature at UC Santa Barbara, they hate that shit!"

"360 Burrito? What the hell is that?"
"Stupid."
"Does a burrito have 360 degree angle? Jesus Christ. When will America stop bastardizing the taqueria?"
"Never."
"You know what I say?"
"What?"
"Viva la burrito."

"She's so lame. She's got one of those Look-at-me-I-go-out-and-get-wasted-blogs."
"Another one? Just what the world needs."
"I'm so sick of her. She goes on-and-on about her private life, like it matters."
"Then why do you read it?"
"I'm at work."

"Did I ever tell you about my dad catching a deer with his bare hands?"
"No way."
"This was when I was growing up in Dearborne. My dad is the funniest guy. People think he's scary because he loves Spam and thinks Ford's the best company in the world."

"There's plenty of that going around."
"What?"
"Crap."
"Oh, yeah."

"Some asshole puked on my car."

"One time my mom was driving on this stretch, and she hit a deer. She broke the poor animal in half. One part of the carcass slid across the side of the car, so the station wagon had this blood stain around it, which was cool. It made the thing look like a candy cane. When we got home, there was almost a pound of meat stuck in the radiator. It gave my family something to talk about for a week."

"I can't stand driving anywhere with my mom in the car."
"You too, huh? Does your mom yell about shit? Like, if you get into the next lane, you might die?"
"That and it'll be totally quiet, and then, 'OH GOD!' 'What, Mom?' 'OH, I FORGOT TO SET THE VCR FOR MATLOCK! I'LL MISS MY SHOW!' Everything about that damn box is so important to her. Each time she yells about it, I almost swerve into another car."

"Wow, man. You've got that new translation of Dogan. How much is that?"
"Sixty-five dollars."
"Sixty-five dollars, even for a cat like me?"
"I wish it was cheaper too, believe me."
"I should've never burned all my poems, man. They might have made me some money. Then I could've bought Dogan, or anything else I wanted."
"You know what might work? Save a dollar each day. After sixty-five days, you'll be able to buy the book."
"That would work. But fuck, man, I want the book now."

"You going to the conference in Germany?"
"No way. This time of year it's freezing over there. And Germans are weird. Nobody talks. They all look sad. And injured."

"I love stuff like that. When we were in France, we saw some famous statue of a soldier sitting on a horse, and someone spray-painted Conan on the sword."
"That's so trashy. No one respects history."

"Not too many people showed up today."
"Odd, I wonder if it's the sunshine."
"No, the fog has blown in."
"Odd, I guess no one wants enlightenment."

"She so nice to me. She say hi to me?"
"Yeah, she told me to say to you."
"You so nice too. You from here?"
"Yeah, we live in Pacific Heights."
"Really? You look like tourists."

"I've asked for nothing. Nothing, man. I saved a kid from a burning building, right over there. I kept two women from being raped across the street. And I asked for nothing. All I got is this blanket. You don't hear me complaining about how shitty everything is. Not me. No way. Hey, man, how about a quarter?"

"Hey, you see that guy?"
"The one with the glasses?"
"Yeah, him. That guy never washes his hands in the bathroom."
"Ah, sick."
"Once, he walked out of a stall, after taking a dump, and he smiled at me as he cruised past the sink and walked right out of the bathroom."
"What a jerk."
"I always open the bathroom door with my sleeve."

"Nice music. Where you from?"
"Jerusalem, man."
"Yeah, Palestine?"
"You can call it that. Holy Land. You can call it that too. Killing fields, whatever. Anything goes."
"Right on."

"You know, it's your sarcasm that really makes this relationship beautiful. Followed, of course, by your negativity. What would I do without this love?"

"Oh...my...God. Alex forwarded that email to Matt."
"What email?"
"The one where I said Matt was a fool at the meeting."
"Maybe he'll view it as constructive."

"Oh, my eyes are really bothering me. I just can't look at this monitor any more."
"You have eye problems, too?"
"Good heavens, yes. Allergies are so horrible around here. The dust just blows and blows and blows."
"Have you ever tried artificial tears?"
"Oh, that wouldn't do any thing. The dust isn't artificial, now is it?"

"Did somebody forget to take their idiot pills today?"

"Listen, baby. When I don't answer the phone, it's not 'cause I'm avoiding you. The phone is either charging, or I can't answer the phone 'cause I'm in a meeting. Well then, if it was Sunday, the phone was probably charging. I don't have a set time when I charge it, no. Listen, baby. I'm not trying to avoid you. Why would I have answered now, then? See, I could've not answered the phone, and we wouldn't be talking now. No, that's not what I'm saying. I do want to talk to you. No, baby. I think you're confused. No, I didn't mean it like that."

"Holy moly, I got the caffeine jitters. Look at my hands shake."

"They've been together three years, and we've been trying to get her away from him because he's such a dud. He's a goofy scientist. No social tact at all."
"They're the worst."
"So we had them over for dinner the other night, and she announces they've been married for the past year and a half."
"They didn't tell you?"
"They didn't tell anyone. They eloped in Florida. Not even their parents know."
"That's so strange. Why wouldn't they tell anyone?"
"They figured it was no big deal. They'd been together long enough."

"What's he doing?"
"Itching. Look, he wants you to scratch his butt."
"Okay, I'll scratch his butt. Do you want me to scratch your butt? Is that what you want? Does your butt itch? Yeah, does that feel good?"
"I think he's getting off on it."
"What? No he's not. Only you'd think that."
"No, look at his face. That's too much pleasure from a scratch."
"How would you know? You're not a dog."
"Fine, keep being friendly."

"Did you use the chipper?"
"Yeah, it was totally out of hand."
"Mayhem?"
"Complete. I cut down three trees and nearly buried the house under mulch."

"So this is the track you want fixed?"
"No, over here. See, this one."
"You didn't say nothing about that one."
"Sure I did. That's the one I told you about. See, you have to take that one thing down. Otherwise, the whole track and all the lights come off."
"How so?"
"What do you mean, how so? Look at how it's bolted to the ceiling."
"I don't think taking that one thing down would make all the lights come off."
"Listen, I'd let you do whatever, but these people need light to work in here. Thirty-seconds without light, and let me tell you, you'll get damn near fired."
"You want coffee?"
"What?"
"I could use coffee."
"Sure, let's go downstairs."

"Tom, did you know that AT&T Wireless got bought out by Cingular? I just noticed it on my phone bill."
"That happened a long time ago."
"Why would AT&T sell to anybody? They're huge."
"I don't know. Maybe they suck. By the way, did you know we're fighting a war in this country called Iraq?"
"That's why I don't read the news. Nothing but bad stuff."

"Chicken taco for Rueben."
"Yeah, that's me. Thanks."
"Yo, Rube, don't head back to the office without me. Or I'll slap you upside the head with my burrito. And it's a super."
"Shit, okay."

"Hey, this salsa is crazy hot. What'd you guys do to it? It's never this hot."
"Nothing. Same."
"No way. This is like fire hot. I can't even eat it. You know, I want my money back. Are you going to give me my money back?"
"Why?"
"It's too hot, man. I told you that. Aren't you listening?"
"Dollar?"
"Yeah, I'll take that. Here's the chips, too. They're okay, though."

"The 101 between 92 and the city is the great mystery. The traffic just slows down. For no reason."
"There's a reason. There's a merge."
"There's no merge. I'm telling you there's no merge."
"So it is the great mystery. If you answer it, you know everything. You're God."

"Didn't get the jeans out of the dryer in time, huh?"
"Me?"
"Looking a little wrinkled there."
"Shit, look at you."

"How 'bout this seat?"
"It's the same as the other seats. Just sit down."

"Fuck this mother-fucking place. Fuck this fucking bus shit, man. I'm from Jefferson City, not Faggot City. Fuck all you faggots. Eat some pussy."

"We really need to get a UI person in here. Otherwise, a developer will design the screen, and it will look like developer crap."
"There is no developer crap."
"Oh, sweet Jesus..."

"Hey, you know where I can get a good steak? I'm sick of all the gelato-type-stuff around here."
"I'm not aware of any steak restaurants."
"You mean this town doesn't have steak?"
"I'm sure it does somewhere. Personally, don't know where."
"You've got to be kidding me. Really kidding me. You know what this town used to be? It used to be magic."

"We need to go see the hippies at the Haight-Ashbury."
"I thought they all died."
"The guidebook doesn't say anything about that."

"Hello? Hello? Who is this? Why are you calling me now? Oh... I thought he said he'd call me later. No, I'm not at that company now. No, the other company. The one I told you about. No, this place was the better choice. No, the stock didn't go down that much. Listen, I can't talk now. No, you're not bothering me. I just can't talk now, okay?"

"If I'm going to move down to Santa Clara, hell, I might as well move back to Minneapolis. I mean, San Francisco's got the theaters. It's not like I can audition for anything in Silicon Valley."
"Dad still thinks you're ruining your life out here."
"Like there's any kind of life back home."

"We were up near Sacramento, and everyone there spoke with a Texas accent."
"It's that way near Bakersfield too. The whole central valley, really. People forget this state was settled by oakies."
"You'd think that twang would be gone by now."

"So my idea is the Walken store."
"For walking?"
"No, for Walken. Christopher Walken. We'd sell tee shirts of Walken, mugs of Walken, posters of Walken--like from that scene in Pulp Fiction. We could even sell kites of Walken."
"What's this we? If you want to bankrupt yourself, go right ahead."

"I like your umbrella."
"Thanks. You know, I have two of them."
"Two of the same kind?"
"Yeah, it's the weirdest thing. One day I stepped outside of my building, and I saw what I thought was my umbrella on the street."
"It had the same handle and everything?"
"Yeah, and then when I took it to work, I noticed my umbrella was already in my cube."
"What are the chances of that happening? That's like being struck by lightening twice."

"You're going to fancy lunch today?"
"We're a small group, we can afford it."
"Where are you going?"
"Town Hall."
"Oh, that place is great. Get the hot chocolate. It's literally just a chocolate bar melted in a cup."

"Yoshi, apparently, won't tell him he's a moron because that's frowned upon in Japanese culture."
"You should write a book about business."
"I should."

"How'd the interview go?"
"Good, as long as he's not a vegetarian, we'll hire him."

"Rubbish. Today's word is rubbish. Come on, say it with me."
"Rubbish."
"Rubbish."
"Good. A little louder."
"Rubbish."
"Rubbish."
"This game is rubbish."
"Hey, come on now."
"Crap."
"John, that's not the word."
"Rubbish."
"Yes, now we're building morale."

"How is that daycare center working out for you?"
"It's not. I need to find another one. Every time we pick up Scott, he's covered in marker."
"And the instructors don't do anything about it?"
"They say the kids are just being kids."

"Your wife worked there too?"
"For fourteen years. Where else do you meet a spouse?"
"Bars."
"That never worked for me."
"It's still not working for me."

"Don't ask me questions about what I did to the product spec before vacation. I don't remember. My memory began on Monday. For all I know, I didn't even work here before then."
"Is that a joke?"
"Is that question a joke?"

"He went to the toy store and got two new things? A little people thing and a little golf thing. Is he playing with them, or are you? Very good. Okay. Is mommy there? Okay, can you get her please? No? Why is she angry? Well, we talked about that and agreed it was a problem. Well, tell mommy to call me back when she gets downstairs. Okay. Good-bye, honey."

"Well can't you just go up and talk to him?"
"I guess I can tell him to do his job again. And whack him upside the head."
"You mean that last part lovingly, don't you?"
"With all the endearment in my body, yes."

"But character is defined by how you spend your free time."
"Wow, you guys are getting deep over there. You're like Dr. Phil-in' and shit. I'm going to go tell the mail guy."

"I'm sure glad they gave us Monday off."
"Me too."
"You notice how everyone going to work looked like they were in pain?"
"Yeah."
"Like they twisted their ankle or something."

"Okay, put a sign there. And then put a sign there. That should stop the mother fuckers."
"What if it don't stop the mother fuckers?"
"It's a sign. Mother fuckers stop at stop signs. Unless they're real mother fuckers. And then they deserve to get hit by the truck."

"My New Year's resolution is to lose a few pounds."
"Why, you look great?"
"My husband doesn't think so."

"THIS FUCKIN' TOWN IS MORE MESSED UP THAN LA!"

"Look at that jerk on TV. Couldn't he tie his hair back? Would it hurt him to shave? Why on Earth someone would want to look like a bum in front of a million people?"
"He's counterculture."
"He sure is. The counterculture ruined this country."

"Johnny, look at this refrigerator door. We're going to have a catastrophe in here. If you don't fix that shelf, the milk will pour right out on to the floor."
"Huh?"
"Milk! The milk! It'll spill everywhere. Can you hear me?"
"I can't hear you."
"Your hearing aid!"
"I'll have to get my hearing aid."
"I thought you put it in this morning."
"Huh? I forgot to put it in this morning."

"They need a good restaurant down near the Hampton Inn. Everything has to be gourmet around here. I'm so sick of it. I just want a good place to eat. Like an Olive Garden."
"Oh, I love Olive Garden."
"I know you do. Or, a Marie Callender's would be nice."
"I love Marie Callender's too."
"They've fallen out of favor in California. It's such a shame. This state used to be wonderful."
"Coco's was good. I liked their club sandwich. Remember the Coco's in Long Beach?"
"I remember all right."