"Modern literature, especially modern American literature, is so humorless. American writers are trying so hard to be serious because our times are so serious. It's really not the writer's fault. Our culture breeds the seriousness of the writer."
"Ever read David Sedaris?"
"Who?"

"By the way, has she gained all the weight back from that diet yet?"

"A fat homeless guy begging for food. Only in America..."
"I've seen plenty of them in New York."

"Get out of the street you dumb old hippy!"

"You work in adult film?"
"Yes, both behind and in front of the camera."
"Huh, I've never met anyone who did porn before."
"Well, there's a lot of us out there."
"What do you do, exactly?"
"What do you think I do? I fuck."
"So you work like a forty-hour work week?"
"Yeah, when I'm updating the Web site. It's only about an hour's worth of work in front of the camera."
"Do you ever get recognized?"
"Not really. Every once in a while I see some eyebrows raised. But maybe that's just because I'm a damn good-looking black man."

"Hey, where did you get that SFPD shirt? Were you a cop?"
"No, I just fucked one."
"You fucked a cop and all you got was that stupid tee-shirt?"
"No, I didn't fuck a cop. That's just a fantasy. I bought this tee-shirt at Rock Hard."
"What's that?"
"Oh, I keep forgetting that you're straight. It's a sex shop in the Castro."

"This is what I live for."
"Dog butt-scratches?"
"Yes, see how happy he is? He'll get more of this tonight, too. Won't you? Yes you will. You get the butt-scratches."

"When they tourists laugh, I cry. I cry because they impede my access to BART by huddling near the escalator. I cry because they stand right in front of the Ferry Building and block the entrance. I cry because they dress funny."
"I cry because you think you're a poet."
"I cry because my co-worker does not recognize my genius."

"Team Jesus."

"You know how unfair it is to watch someone get promotion after promotion when they don't deserve it. We work hard. And she's like a barnacle, hanging on and doing nothing."
"But getting promotions..."

"Is there a Newfoundland restaurant around here? I'm looking for the best of Newfoundland cuisine."

"The Secret Service tests are hard, dude. And you have to do them, like, nine times each. There's this super hard test I almost failed. They tied me up--arms behind my back--and chained me to a chair--a recliner--and I had to pick the locks and get out in, like, a minute. It was close, man."

"Crap, I have to go home. The dogs are stuck in the fence again. I'll be online and available by cell phone. Let me know if anything happens."

"Let's see, cat massage. Petting makes friends, but massage makes partners. My wife has to see this Web site."

"Okay, new idea for a TV show: Arm-wrestling Morrissey. People try to beat Morrissey at arm-wrestling for cash and prizes."
"That's fucking stupid. My grandma could beat Morrissey at arm-wrestling."
"So what? Wouldn't it be cool to watch people arm-wrestle him as Everyday Is like Sunday is playing in the background."
"No."

"How is it, they make the coffee here so bad? What's with this situation?"
"Maybe Starbucks infiltrates our urns, so we have to buy from them."
"Conspiracy theories abound."

"You guys know anything about the Academy of Art here in the city?"
"No, but I knew a guy from the Art Institute."
"My brother's a photographer and he's thinking of taking it to the next level."
"What kind of photography does he do?"
"Well, now, he's taking headshots for models and actors."
"People make good money doing that."
"Yeah, he makes $500 a headshot."
"Wow."
"But he wants to do more artistic things. I keep telling him he's got to leave South Dakota for that. It's not like he's Ansel Adams."

"Shit, that strange delivery guy is here again. I told him to meet us on the third floor so he doesn't know where we really sit. Ian, if we're not back in twenty-minutes, call the cops."
"Just shoot up a flare."

"I bet you miss Baltimore on summer days like this, huh?"
"Yeah, like I miss being torn apart by lions."

"Everyone's going to remember where they were and what they were doing when the Jackson verdict was read. It's like the JFK assassination."

"Jackson's going to be guilty. He'll see prison for about two seconds. That's how long it will take for someone inside to shank him."
"Jesus, that's harsh."
"Hey, life's tough."
"What an interesting life the guy's had."
"Well, he's not dead yet. But he's been dead in the head for a long time. What a waste. What a fucked up, fucked up guy. His early music was good, though."

"Are you Italian?"
"No, Mexican. But the only difference is the food."

"What's all that noise outside?"
"There's a bunch of naked guys."
"What?"
"Look. Naked guys. With bikes. Oh, and one woman. If you can call her that."
"What are they doing?"
"They're protesting something. I think cars."
"Can we protest them? That's disgusting. They're all old."
"Remember the Naked Guy in Berkeley?"
"Yeah, didn't he get thrown off campus?"
"I think so."
"Why did he go around naked?"
"I guess it just felt good. Good enough to get thrown out of school."
"Our struggles were so much better in the 90's."

"Deepa and I are going to start a bluegrass band."
"What, who plays washboard?"
"Deepa."
"Washboard's big in India?"
"If it isn't, it will be after us. Do you play fiddle?"
"No."
"We need somebody who plays fiddle."
"What's the name of the band?"
"Sherman & Subashinee."

"So, hey, what happened to you?"
"Foot surgery."
"That wasn't related to the pool incident."
"No, the pool incident was an accident. The foot surgery was planned."
"What did they do to your foot?"
"They had to remove something that was growing."
"Wow, doesn't sound good."
"Well it's not as bad as the brain surgery Steve told everyone I was getting... He misunderstood my email and told everyone some part of my brain was going to be removed."

"Can you move back, please? Is there room for people to move back?"
"No."
"It's crowded up here. Can people move back?"
"We said no already! Shut-up..."

"Seven thousand dollars. Not bad for three days of work."
"Should've got more."

"I'm so sick of Indiana Jones. My husband and I have watched it about thirteen times in the past three weeks. I never want to see Harrison Ford ever again."
"Why are you watching a kids' movie?"
"My husband has the dullest job in the world: he makes video games. He was to study all of this kids stuff."

"Wait, let me hit the restroom before the meeting."
"What?! That's it, Jason. I've been meaning to speak with you about your bladder stamina."
"Excuse me?"
"There will be no more peeing during business hours. The time away from your desk is costing this company money."
"Then I'll be working from home."

"Hey, have you been to Belize?"
"No, I don't go anywhere that doesn't have a wine growing region."
"So, you wouldn't go to the Galapagos Islands if someone gave you a ticket?"
"Haven't you had Montezuma's Revenge? I'm so done with going to places that make you sick. I can stay here and go to the bathroom all day, without buying a thousand dollar plane ticket."

"We were thinking about going there on a vacation until we read about the roaming gangs with machetes."
"Yeah, that's worse than the diarrhea, I'm sure."
"What do you say to guys with machetes?"
"Here's my money."
"You could say, How dare you? Don't you know I'm an American?"
"Yeah, that would be smart."
"I'd love to read a book about all of the dumb things Americans say as they're being robbed in other countries."

"You have to reformat your hard drive if you're getting rid of your computer."
"Why, I already deleted all the files."
"You never know if someone's going to snoop through the computer and get personal information."
"All that was on there was my master's thesis. They can read that all they want. No one else did."

"There's nowhere to go to get healthy food around here."
"Happy food?"
"No, healthy food."
"I like the idea of happy food better."

"Okay, relax. Just think of something relaxing. Like a woman. Like Beyonce."
"Who?"
"You know, Beyonce."
"I think I know who you mean."
"How about Brittany Spears?"
"Yeah, I kind of know who you mean."
"How could you not know Brittany Spears?"
"I don't have a TV."
"Are you Mormon?"
"No. Do Mormons not watch TV?"
"Yeah, I saw that thing on TV where they showed all those Mormons with beards who don't want electricity."
"I've never heard of Mormons with beards."
"Yeah, and they ride around on horses."
"Oh, are you sure you don't mean Amish?"
"Yeah, them too. But they live in Pennsylvania. They're all like Muslims."

"Holy crap."
"What?"
"Look at the crap in my Excel file."
"What did you do to it?"
"Nothing."
"You must've done something."
"I just saved it. Oh my God...look, more crap."
"Excel is crappy."
"Oh my God."
"What?"
"When I open... Oh, forget it. I need a latte."

"Where do I get stationary supplies and things for my desk?"
"Office in a Box. They're in the hall near the kitchen."
"Office in a Box?"
"Yeah, it's got everything you need. Pens, legal pads, phones..."
"Phones?"
"Yeah, it's all in the box."
"This place is really streamlined."

"How 'bout Banana Republic?"
"Naw, man. That shit's too preppie."
"Yeah, but you get all that preppie pussy, dressing like that. Know what I'm saying?"
"Hell, yeah. I know what you're saying. Shit, let's check that shit out."