"Yeah, I love the Minis. You can park them anywhere. We'd get one, but my wife is too big to fit into one."

"Last Thanksgiving was a disaster. My parents invited Dorothy-Lynn's family over, and it was just unbelievable. There were all these guys walking around with gold chains and tattoos, and they put their feet up on the furniture like they owned the place. Get this. One guy was there with his three children. From three different women. And the three women were there too. I walk into my Dad's living room, and there's this clown with his feet up on my Dad's favorite chair, with a bowl of sunflower seeds, and he's spitting the seeds all over the floor. I almost lost it. And another guy went off about how the Coast Guard doesn't do any thing for the military and that they're a bunch of cowards, and he's telling this to my Dad who was in the Coast Guard and saw combat in the Pacific during World War II."
"What did your Dad do?"
"He just walked into another room."

"Hey, watch how the cat dominates the dog. James, come here and say hi to Kitty. Say hi. Oh, shit! Get them away from the table! James! Bad dog! Kitty! No!"

"You didn't know about Grandma's angel phase?"
"No."
"Man, where have you been? She used to close her eyes and say, 'Now just feel your guardian angel. Everyone has one. You just have to feel it. Now lean in any direction. Notice you don't fall over and hurt yourself. That's because your guardian angel is holding you up. Preventing you from getting hurt.' She even went to some week long retreat where she and a bunch of other idiots went to talk to their angels."
"How did they do that?"
"I'll tell you how they did that. They wrote a big fat check, that's how. Then they all learned that their angel was with them in past lives."
"Past lives?"
"Yeah, they wrote another big fat check to find that one out, too. Of course, Grandma was like Cleopatra. She wasn't the villiage idiot that picked up the horse poop."

"And get this. She said I have an occupational attitude. That's why I didn't get the promotion. I was like, fuck her."

"My brother had acute diarrhea, even after he took the medicine. We were like, wow..."

"Stop! Driver! STOP!"
"Calm down. The bus is stopping. No need to rush to a crap job."

"Yeah, I'm coming over. Are those San Jose hotties going to be there? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. They're going to see some nut."

"We are not going in there."
"Why?"
"It's wall-to-wall arm pits."

"I told all the guys she was a lesbo, and none of them laughed."

"The guy's up front in a Hummer, and some other guy tells him to get out and ride in the one behind them. The guy says, 'Why?' and the other guy says, 'Cuz I'm the Captain, that's why.' Ten minutes later the Hummer the Captain's in gets blown to shit."

"I got out of the service in April 2001, and then those fuckers hit us on 9/11. One of the guys I know got out two weeks before 9/11. The guys who didn't get out are dying in Iraq. It's like, do you want to be one of the 2,000 dead or the 16,000 injured."
"I'm happy driving drunks to jail."

"So, we respond to this call about a guy on Market Street jerking off, and when we get there, somebody's stabbed him. He's lying in blood, yelling, 'Get the fuck away from me! Fuck you fucking pigs,' and we're like, 'Buddy, we're trying to save your life.'"

"Oh, come on."
"Ah, the universal cry of computer frustration."

"Man, the one day I can listen to the radio at work, and the only thing on is an interview with the actor who played Doogie Howser MD."
"You're worshiping the wrong gods."

"It was the Speaking Elmo, and now I've made it into the Stigmata Elmo. Elmo died for your sins."

"You know, the people in this town are so cool they crack my glasses."

"The only way to get out of that is to go before the judge, bend over, and spread 'em."

"When I get out of college, man, I'm going to make so much fucking money. My fucking pants are going to be made of money. I'm going to drive fucking money to work, man. I'm going to be so fucking rich. I can't fucking wait. No more of this fucking Taco Bell shit, man."

"Hey, how was the party? Yeah. Who won the game? Are you smoking? I can hear it in your voice. You're fucking smoking aren't you. I can't believe this."

"Can I talk to mommy? Come on, honey. Put mommy on the phone. No, mommy. I need to talk to mommy. Honey, I really need to talk to mommy now. Right now, baby. Okay, I'm going to count to three. Hello?"

"Hey, someone dirtied my Corn Nuts. What the hell?"

"Let's see. I'm at Jackson and Fillmore. And the restaurant is called Jackson Fillmore."

"Hey, it says here that potatoes are indigenous to the Americas. I didn't know that. Did you know that?"
"Yes."
"Oh."

"Oh, come on. He's one of the douches of this industry."
"Well, he's kind of philosophical."
"He's a world douche. Admit it. He's doucheosophical."

"You're going to India? India! Man, get ready to shit your pants."

"They're getting a man cage."
"A what?"
"A man cage. You see, you walk into the building and are weighed and whatnot, and when you leave, if you don't weight the same, it traps you in a cage in case you're a terrorist or stealing something."
"What if you went to the bathroom?"
"I don't know. I guess it calculates that into the weight."

"You know, I'm old enough to know that the most over-rated things in life are oral sex and pizza. When you reach your late fifties, you'll understand."

"Prince Charles is out there. With Camilla."
"Why?"
"Something to do with organic food. We thought it'd be funny to point one of the hat racks out of the window, but you see those guys up in the clock tower?"
"Yeah."
"They're snipers."
"Wow"
"Yeah, it wouldn't be too funny if one of us got shot trying to be funny."

"That'll be two-twenty."
"I'M A NATIVE NEW YORKER, BRONX NUMBER ONE!"
"What the hell was that all about?"
"I don't know. You must see a lot of weird things working here."
"I could write books, man. Books. That was two-twenty."

"Do you work your abdominals?"
"No."
"Yeah, it doesn't look like you do. You need to start working them because your gluets are in bad shape from sitting all day, and if you don't work those abdominals, you'll be on the back pain railroad."

"It says here a guy in Dallas is charged with sprinkling feces on to food at a salad bar. He's 49 and could get up to 20 years in prison. Oh, it says here a guy killed a dear with his bare hands after it ran into his house. You know, why didn't he just open a door and let it out?"
"Sounds like you're working pretty hard over there, huh?"

"You can stop me, but you can never stop the music."

"I'm just having one of those days were everyone looks so dumb and ugly, and I wish they'd just drop the bomb and end it all."
"You just need some coffee, that's all."

"He thought he was eating a burrito, but he was eating a coffee filter rolled up with coffee grounds. We guess he didn't say anything because he's on an H1-B visa."

"Listen, young lady. We will go home right now if you don't behave. Do you understand me?"
"Yeah. Can we go home now?"

"Well, she's not really a frog or a princess. She kind of mixed the two. She didn't want to be just one."
"Is she a character from a book or something?"
"No, she just kind of made up her own thing."

"This sucks. We're just walking around and shit."

"Yo, mustard! Look, we're both mustards. Awesome!"