"Hey, look. I think the salsa is too hot for the seagulls."

"You take CalTrain?"
"Everyday, yeah."
"How long does that take?"
"It depends. When it rains like this, about two hours each way."
"My God. I just live up the hill, and it takes me fifteen minutes."

"She got her period, but nobody wanted to tell her what it was, because, well, it's just so embarrassing."

"I haven't spoken to him that much since Kellogg, but he told me he's marrying a Southern girl. They don't really know each other that well, but he showed me a picture, and they look so cute together."

"Ass fog."

"Tell them to go to the Balboa Cafe."
"What, with kids? Are you crazy. After eight, that place just turns into an ass-grab fest."

"Anyone see this fear of girls video?"

"Is anyone else fed up with the escalator situation on MUNI?"
"You mean the fact that it's never working, and the few seconds that it is, it's always going in the wrong direction? Yeah."
"It must be the worst escalator system in the world. No one can even fit on it."
"People must always be sticking gum into it or something."
"There's a lot of graffiti on it."
"Why would anyone graffiti the escalator?"
"Or better yet, why is the graffiti in some kind of Druid or Asian-like script?"
"What is that language?"

"You really shouldn't check your email drunk."

"Jennifer in marketing had another one of her PR hissy-fits."

"A nickel and a smile will last a long while."
"What's that from?"
"The homeless guy outside."
"Well if he can say that, can't he say, 'Welcome to McDonald's'?"

"Ah... Gettin' some beer, going to the toilet."

"Dude come do shots with us."
"No, my wife is cooking dinner."
"Oh, come on, man. We're talkin' shots. Forget the old ball and chain. Let's get to the shots."
"I really can't."
"Dude, don't let a woman run your life. Come, on. Shots."
"Maybe next weekend."
"Next weekend? What's the matter with you, bro. That's the Super Bowl. I'll be in Vegas."
"The Super Bowl is in Vegas this year?"
"No, it's in Detroit. But I'm going to be in Vegas, watching it, and doing plenty of shots. Come, on. Let's quit this bullshit and line up those shots."
"Oh, all right."
"Yes! Shots."

"Says here there's a town in Sweden that means 'shit' in German. Their town sign is stolen more than any other sign in Sweden. Interesting."

"What are you going to do with, like, the video recorder?"
"Send out tapes of me singing."
"That's so great. You, like, know what you want to do. I don't know what I want to do. I like, know what I like to do. I like to do a lot of things. I just don't want to do any one thing, you know?"
"You got to choose something."
"That's, like, the same thing Amy lectured me about."
"You aren't getting any younger than thirty-two."
"It's just, like, so much gets me bored."

"The only thing that can come between us is money. And, believe me, there's enough of that to come between us."

"The countdown to burrito lovin' has begun. Beans and cheese, here I come. Clear a path."

"Everything goes down hill after forty."
"Don't say that. Things are pretty down hill already."

"It doesn't really matter what our customers want, okay. Our customers are stupid."

"Do I really want to sell my car to someone who can't even figure out where I live by looking at Google maps?"

"Dude, you got to put Chuck Norris through Google. Look, Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck of human souls. Chuck Norris can when a game of Connect Four in two moves. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. What was going through the minds of Chuck Norris' enemies before he killed them? His shoe. Chuck Norris doesn't crap. Chuck Norris shot down a German fighter plane by pointing his finger at hit and yelling, 'Bang'. Chuck Norris is the only man who could beat a brick wall at a game of tennis. Chuck Norris could use 2,743 objects to kill you, including the room itself. When Chuck Norris falls in water, he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris'ed."

"You couldn't force me to work at Target. They only pay seven twenty-five an hour. I couldn't afford to take the bus to work on that. Tell you what, though, Target has lots of mouth wash. I do take the bus to go there for that."

"I don't know what the problem is with your father. Every time he leaves the house, he brings back a box of hot cereal. I don't eat hot cereal. He doesn't eat hot cereal. We've got tons of it in the pantry. When you leave, be sure to take some with you."
"I don't eat hot cereal."
"Just take some, will you? I want it out of the house."

"Hey, Bob. I we're not out of oat bran."
"That's fantastic."
"There was some hiding behind the apple butter. Don't worry about picking up any more bran at the store, until we finish this one off."

"I really don't want to go to work tomorrow."
"Don't. Call in well."
"Well?"
"Yeah, you feel so well you don't want to ruin it by going into work."

"Listen, he just said he spoke Texan, and he walked away from me."

"Oh, come on. Give me a break...yoga."
"Some of the positions are really hard."
"It's just stretching for Christ's sake."
"It's a lot more that that."
"Like hell. When you're done finding your inner-excuse-not-to-work-out, come down to the treadmills. Yoga..."

"Can you all scoot back. We got to get on the bus too, you know."
"We can't. There's no room."
"Come on, now. Sure there is. Shake some ass."

"I mean, you just gotta hear the music."
"Yeah."
"Like, I was never into country, but he sings about death. I'm into death."
"Yeah."
"It's not so much what he says, it's, like, what he's not saying."
"Yeah."
"It's exactly, like, what I'm doing with my music, you know?"
"Yeah."
"I'm just trying to say it. Communicate through sound. Nobody communicates anymore."
"Yeah, totally."

"Hey, some ass took a document of mine off the printer. Who the hell would want a letter asking for my four-year-old to get into pre-school?"

"Roll down your window. Technically, you ran that stop sign because you went halfway over the crosswalk."
"I'm sorry, officer."
"Plus, you went so far out into the street that I couldn't navigate my car around you to even get to where I need to go. And, you didn't even back your car up so that I could get around you."
"I'm sorry."
"You're doing a great job."

"You know, I've been feeling so good that I've been kind of man-skipping down the sidewalks."
"Man-skipping?"
"You know, like a skip that's not faggoty."

"I was, like, no, get your own stuff, dude. I mean, just 'cuz I'm his roommate, and he's on crutches, doesn't mean I have to go to the store to buy his friggin' munchies and rolling papers. I mean, come on. He wouldn't have broken his leg if he wasn't stoned."

"See how my ATM card is bent? It's because I was sitting on it. Look, you can see the curve of my butt cheek."
"Hey, wow."

"My wife and I are just looking for the free shit."
"I didn't see anything out there."
"No swag?"
"Not that I could see."
"No, you gotta dig in there, man. You gotta act like you're going to buy something. Show some interest. Then ask about mugs and tee-shirts. You'll get stuff."

"Excuse me? Is there mustard on the turkey cranberry?"
"Huh? How should I know? I don't work here."
"Do you mind if I ask the person behind the counter?"
"No, why should I?"
"Do you think those chocolate chip cookies are expensive?"
"Listen, I don't know. I'm just in line like you, okay?"
"Sorry, I didn't think it'd bring such chaos to your day."

"The way I see it, we're all like these big empty tanks that get fueled by love. The problem is if you think one person is going to fill your tank. If you get too dependent on any one person to fill your tank, you get things like wars. You need a bunch of different things to fill your love tank. Not just a woman. You need friends. Good food. Dogs. Sunshine. All that can fill your tank too, if you let it. But I'd take a couple of women all at the same time...nah, I'm just kidding."

"Hey, what do you think Apple will annouce at MacWorld?"
"You haven't heard? iCock."

"He's so fuckin' stoooopid. I tell the mother fucker, I say, You so stoooopid. Stoooopid ass dumb ass. You sixteen and nothin' but stoooopid."
"You go girl. Tell it like is."
"I do. Shit."

"Spare change for the homeless? Spare change for the homeless? Hey, if you can afford a jay-walking ticket, you can afford spare change for the homeless."

"I loved lacross as a kid. We'd just chase each other around and beat the crap out of each other with the sticks."

"This guy's got a degree in e-business with an emphasis in supply-chain management. That's shockingly dumb ass. How 90's."
"At least we got a real resume."
"Yeah, but it's a PDF."
"My resume's a PDF."
"Why? Mine's in HTML and it will always be in HTML."
"But with a PDF, anyone could read it."
"Not if they don't have Reader. And you think someone in HR is smart enough to know how to open a PDF? I don't think so."

"What you do is trall for fish. Like with a couple of hooks on the back of a boat."
"It's troll, not trall."
"But there's a kind of hook called a trall."
"So what? It's a hook. It's not the actual trolling for fish. And you only troll for certain fish."
"But from what I've read--"
"How about both of you guys just shut up over there."

"Excuse me, can I use the restroom?"
"Sure, each customer gets one complimentary use."

"I knew these crazy mother fuckers in college that hacked into Doom, and then hooked up four twenty-four inch monitors into the game, and then set it all up in a dark closet with a Lazy Boy recliner. You haven't lived 'till you've played Doom like that. Oh, and when you've got the chainsaw as your weapon."

"It's rude, that's why. You just don't delete someone's messages. Yeah, well maybe I don't want to be with someone who fuckin' deletes messages. Yeah, that's right."

"Did you buy a ticket to Crazy again?"

"Get this. There's one fat cow out there trying to show this other fat cow how to lift. Like she's an authority or something. Why would you trust your fat friend to show you how to workout?"
"You spot me, don't you?"
"Fuck you, man."