"Hello, this is John. What? No, you called me. I just picked up the phone. What? Whatever, buddy. Go find another planet."

"Hey, be a good black boy today. And don't hit any other little black boys."
"Okay."

"This penny has been scratching lottery tickets since nineteen forty."

"The guy who taught us advanced algebra in college was a total lush. He was Welsh and had a nose like Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. Every time he moved, you'd get a whiff of gin."
"I've always thought being an alcoholic was a prerequisite for teaching math."

"There's this new Web site called IHateCilantro.com. It's for people who really don't like cilantro. You know, cilantro literally tastes like shit to some people. Scientists think it's a genetic thing."
"How fascinating."

"I can guarantee you that our stock will crash tomorrow."
"And why's that?"
"Because I get my first stock option grant. It's the fourth rule of physics that I never make a cent off stock options."

"I walked by a homeless person sleeping in a doorway, and I thought their mattress looked familiar. When I got to the hospital, one of the other nurses said we were missing a gurney. Well, I knew right where it was alright. We sent a couple of orderlies down to get it."

"Use your elbows. That's how you get people to walk up the escalators."

"Where you going?"
"Sacramento."
"Sacramento? What for?"
"The Sacramento ladies."

"I wiped my ass with my bare hands in India. I can do anything."

"That's what your wife said?"
"Yeah, she's a complainer."
"I'd complain too, If I was your wife."
"How's your roommate?"
"He's still blacking out every night. He's comatose."
"I heard he punched some guy."
"No, not really. He sucker-punched some sales guy."
"At a bar?"
"No, at the office."
"Again?"

"Auturo, look. They're doing it."
"What?"
"It says here they're taking organs."
"Huh?"
"Taking people's organs. When they're still alive."
"Who?"
"Oh, who do you think? You're going to make me cry."

"Did they diagnose your grandpa's breathing problem?"
"Yeah, it's weird. Apparently, it isn't walking aneumonia, but a fungus growing in his lungs."
"That's gross."
"Apparently, it's common in certain areas. It's called Valley Fever. A lot of people that live in the Centeral Valley get it."
"My mom's a nurse. She told me that Valley Fever is from breathing in too much poop."
"He did work in a hen house as a kid."

"You ever hear about your great, great uncle Charlie?"
"No."
"Old Charlie started working in the mail room of Gulf Oil when he was fourteen. This was back in nineteen twenty one or twenty two. I just can't remember anymore. Anyhow, Charlie worked for Gulf for fifty years; made his way up to regional manager. He brought home a lot of bacon. He retired at sixty four and a half, played his best game of golf, and died of a heart attack out on the course. You know who Glen Davis is?"
"No."
"No, I guess you wouldn't. He was way before your time. He was a football player, and he was playing golf with Charlie when he died. Glen was a straight-shooter. He spoke at Charlie's funeral."

"Just try to get a stall at three. That truly is the dumping hour."

"Hey, Santiago. What're you up to?"
"A hundred miles of pussy."

"Did you just call me a douche bag?"
"I'm not going there. I just said your screen saver was a little weird."
"It's a joke. You think I really like Tupac?"
"I wouldn't make him my screen saver, that's all."

"I'll have the fried egg sandwich."
"How do you want your egg?"
"What are my choices?"
"It's a fried egg, honey. Over-easy, sunny-side-up."

"I loved Belgium, but I hated the people and the food. Madrid had possibly the rudest people I've ever met. But I think those were French tourists in Madrid."

"You watch The OC?"
"No, I don't have a TV."
"You don't have a TV? What'd you read or something?"
"Yeah, or go for runs."
"I hate running. I'd die without TV."

"Hey, do you speak Spanish?"
"No, but I know a few words."
"You know hola?"
"Yeah, that means hi."
"You know banos."
"Yeah, bathroom."
"Hey, how do you say carpet in English?"
"Carpet."
"Oh, yeah. Huh."

"All Indian movies are the same. People dancing around in the rain and falling in love without kissing."
"Your Chinese movies are boring."
"Boring?"
"Yes, boring. Always some old wise man talking. Big deal."

"Was she the one that only smoked menthols?"
"No man. That was the black chick that gave me head at that party."

"They want fifty dollars a year to subscribe the Naval Academy's alumni newsletter. I guess I could get the four year for two hundred dollars deal, but I don't know if I'll be alive in four years. Oh, pooh. I only read the 'Last Call' section to see who's died anyway."

"When I graduated from the Naval Academy in forty-five, our slogan was 'Look Alive in Forty-Five.' Now that so many of us World War Two fossils are dying off, our slogan is 'Stay Alive, Forty-Five.'"

"Remember, we've got to use up all those frozen cranberries."
"Cranberries?"
"You know, from Thanksgiving. You bought all those cranberries to make your compote."
"Cranberry compote?"
"The one you make every year. The one with oranges."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"You've made it every year for the past fifty years. How could you not remember?"
"I've always used the cranberries out of the can."
"No, the cranberry-orange compote. Remember?"
"I wouldn't like cranberries with oranges. I don't know what you're talking about."
"You're losing your memory."
"No I'm not."
"Yes you are."
"I am not."
"Oh, for crying out loud."

"I remember him from the eighties. Didn't he play for Chicago? His hair sucked."

"You can be bald and get women. You can be fat and get women. But you can't be bald and fat and get women."

"Fart: The Movie. Come on? That can't be real."
"Darn tootin' it is. We're renting it tonight. Want to join us?"

"I'm going to get me a burrito with a hundred grilled onions."

"No, you see, the black mouse tries to kill the white mouse without losing his helmet."
"You mean the helmet can't fall off?"
"Right. If the helmet falls off, even if the black mouse kills the white mouse, it doesn't matter. He loses."
"Even if he's killed the white mouse?"
"Right. He has to kill him with the helmet on. Or, he loses."
"But he's killed him."
"Yeah, so?"
"Doesn't it just matter that he's killed him?"
"Hey, I didn't make the rules. I just put the mice in the box."

"I didn't know Robert Altman was that old. I though he was going to die when he got up to get that Oscar thing."

"Wow, that's some Girl Scout cookies up the ass!"

"I've told him the day he graduates from high school, his bags will be packed and put on the front porch, and his mom and I will be in Hawaii. He's had his fun time, and it'll be time for the parents to have some fun. He'll have to work just like everyone else. Don't get me wrong, I love him, but he has to work too."

"Diva International? What the hell kind of store is that?"

"My Chinese fag mom."

"What is it with this fucking guy? He sends so many emails a day it's unreal."

"Oh, man. I almost got decaf by accident. That would've made me one unhappy guy, and the company could've lost millions today."

"Takin' drugs. Takin' drugs. Takin' drugs. If you have it, smoke it. If you don't have it, smoke it."