"Hey, you just ran a red light asshole! And you're a fat!"

"I know this guy from Korea who told me that when they lay someone off over there, they wheel the person's desk into the elevator. That way, when the person comes into work, they know they've been let go, and so does everyone else. No need to beat around the bush."

"I can gain twenty pounds just thinking about New Orleans."

"How's Pete?"
"Oh, he's been up to general jackassery."

"What?! That bitch said what?! I never called her that. That stupid bitch. You tell her I never said that shit."

"My Dad's retired in Hawaii."
"Wow, that's great. Does he spend all his time at the beach?"
"No, he's got an artificial hip and an oxygen tank, so he doesn't get out much. He likes to sit by a window and watch the ships go in and out of the harbor."

"You ever notice his girlfriend looks like a Martian?"
"Yeah."

"Is he like gay playboy or hip-hop playboy? Oh, that's not good. You're too old for that."

"If you eat, you make the shit. Don't eat if you not want to make the shit."

"Sweet man love."

"His speech was a little too political for me. It had something to do with child molesters in churches, and if God allows that kind of thing to happen, then God must condone child molesting. It didn't make a lot of sense to me, really."

"Are we drinking tonight?"
"Huh, tonight? No, I haven't seen my wife in days. When I'm not at work, I'm drinking with you guys, and my wife is getting pissed."

"I don't know where she went."
"I think she left."
"Left? She was supposed to get an MRI and come right back."
"She did get the MRI. I just don't think she came back."
"Where would she go?"
"She mentioned she was late for work."
"Unbelievable. She's done this before, you know."

"Excuse me, home boy? What makes you think you so hot, huh? Who are you? Who are you? Yeah, nobody, that's who. Standing there all stupid with your white jeans."

"I'm done with crazy chicks. My new thing is no crazy chicks in oh six."

"Hey, did you see that someone named Anus was on the call? Yeah, that was great."

"That John, he's a hell of a guy. On D-Day, he flew into Normandy on a glider. He was only eighteen."
"Wow, and he survived?"
"He sure did. Made it all the way to The Battle of the Bulge."
"I can't imagine what he saw. Does he ever talk about it?"
"A little bit."
"Did he kill anyone?"
"Oh, I bet he killed a lot of people over there."
"I wonder if he ever has nightmares or anything like that."
"I don't know. He eats a lot of blintzes, though. That's his favorite thing to eat at brunch. Blintzes with raspberry syrup."

"Getting old ain't for sissies."

"What was that? My God, you blew up the microwave! What did you do? Mom, you know you can't put aluminum in there."
"Eggs."
"Huh?"
"I wanted eggs."
"Well you can't put eggs in the microwave, either. What'd you do, wrap eggs in aluminum foil? How are we going to clean this up?"
"Stinks in here."

"Boy, it's hot in here. Holy cats."
"Holy cats? Don't you mean holy cow?"
"No, holy cats. I don't know what a holy cow is."

"What was that you say?"
"Wear your hearing aid!"
"Huh?"
"Your hearing aid!"
"Oh, get off my back about my hearing aid. I've got four daughters and a wife always bugging me to wear the damn thing. I don't need you to get on the bandwagon."
"Yeah, but you can't even hear me."
"What was that you say?"

"Hey, what are they teaching you kids in high school these days?"
"I don't know. Stuff."
"They teach you about Mussolini?"
"Wasn't he that painter?"
"Painter? Heavens no. We fought him in World War Two. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, and the Japs. They teach you about that no good Stalin?"
"Who?"
"Oh, forget it. I'm going to get a bowl of ice cream."

"Fifteen year old Michael Jackon's a terrorist. Pumpernickle makes the farts talk. Water is wet. Everybody wants the stink finger. Mel's Diner never served food. Women should've never worn pants. Fuck all of you. I'm not white today."

"So how's your day going?"
"Oh, it's been shitty. It's been a real shitty week. I was in a call with a customer's IT folks who hate our product. They hate us. They hate me."

"Hopefully, smiling is optional."

"You should've just had breakfast with him. It's not like people do anything on Sundays except recover from hangovers and eat."

"Oh, and we saw Joanne. She had kids."
"Well that's not surprising. In college, we called her "Joanne 'babies, babies, babies' Kennedy."

"So I've got a cigarette in one hand, and my asthma inhaler in the other, and he says to me, 'You're fuckin' crazy.' I say, 'What's the matter with you? It's just a cigarette.'"

"I dug out the old red phone in my garage. Ever since I got sober, I thought one day God might call me on it and tell me what my life was supposed to be all about."

"What's that smell?"
"Tar."
"Gross."
"I love that smell. I'd buy it. Wish it was, like, an air freshener. I'd smell it all day."