"Something is so wrong with me. I'm finding I like smooth jazz."

"Rielly, sit the fuck down! Jesus. Stupid kid."
"Did you go to work today?"
"Fuck no. Too fucked up from last night. Everybody came over, and we did like a million fuckin' Jell-O shots. Didn't pass out until, like, three o'clock. Rielly, sit the fuck down!"
"Are you worried about the job?"
"Fuck no, mom. They can kiss my fuckin' ass. I'm tired of them. Rielly! Jesus fuckin' Christ!"
"What time did they want you there?"
"Eleven. And, I'm like, no fuckin' way, on a Sunday? You know, everyone's hassling me. The fuckin neighbors came over at two and told us to turn our music down, and I was like, fuck you, you fuckin' mother fuckers. This is the one night of the week I get to chill. Reilly! I'm not tellin' you again!"
"Get a new job, baby doll. You need more time to relax."
"Reilly! That's fuckin' it! I'm spankin' your fuckin' ass!"

"They've got biotech down there?"
"Dude, butt loads of biotech. You should look for work there."

"What's that noise outside?"
"Kung Fu dancers or something. Look, they're kicking."
"That doesn't look very tough. Even I could kick their asses."
"Oh, looks like a parade. They're going up Market Street."

"No, I'm a big fan of trout because they live in beautiful places."
"You hear about that guy that caught a shark with a twenty five pound stingray?"
"No, I haven't. Sharks are pretty heavy, you know."

"Paco's a fireball on a fireball. Don't let him near any coffee. Unless you want to get hurt."

"Oh, I'd just take the phone away from her. That's ridiculous. I don't care what it does to her little social life. I don't care if it cuts the legs right out from under her. Three hundred dollars? Who is she calling? Astronauts in the Space Shuttle?"

"Baseball is so stupid. It's for people that don't have the stamina for basketball."

"Thailand is a great place to visit. It's hot. But they eat a lot of soup, which is weird. Oh, and you can get lots of massages. Lots."

"Hey, look at all the Smurfs. They got a bong."

"Come, on. You can do it!"
"How many miles?"
"Five."
"Oh, Jesus. I'm not going to make it."
"You can do it!"
"No, I can't. This sucks."

"Is he wearing a tail?"
"No. Something's in his butt."
"That's the best costume I've ever seen."

"Hey, no pictures. I'm naked."

"Wait, Ron. Slow down. I need to check my Blackberry."
"What, are you kidding?"
"No."

"Why do we run?"
"Beer!"
"What do we run for?"
"Beer!"
"What's at the finish line?"
"Beer!"
"What do all the girls want?"
"Beer!"
"What do all the girls get?
"Beer!"

"Sir, excuse me. Sir. Sir!"
"Yeah?"
"Where do Bay to Breakers end?"
"Somewhere around here. On The Great Highway."
"I take MUNI here because they tell me here. But it's not here. They say Ocean Beach. And this is the beach."
"The race ends at Ocean Beach and Golden Gate Park."
"Where is that? I need to be there. I'm security. I need to be there now."
"The park is down that way."
"How far?"
"Far."
"How many blocks?"
"Gee, I don't know. Five. Maybe six."
"Take me there."
"Huh?"
"Take me there."
"No. Sorry. I've got things to do. It's just down there."
"Die."
"What? Fuck you."

"I don't like wieners in buns. I just like to taste the wiener."

"Stop! Driver, stop!"
"Bus don't stop there anymore."
"What? Why?"
"Don't know. Somebody got mad and sued. Now the bus don't stop there."

"Hey, what does kudos mean again? Is that Spanish?"
"It means great. Like congratulations."
"Is it Spanish?"
"No, it's Latin. It think it's Latin."
"What does persona non grata mean?"
"Someone who's not wanted. Something like that."
"That pretty much sums up my life."
"Oh, come on, Bob. That's not true. I want you."
"Yeah, but you can have me whenever. That's not wanting. That's just around. Nobody wants anybody after fifty. You just take what you can get."
"That's the right attitude."
"Oh, don't tell me about attitude. You're straight. You don't know anything about attitude. Or sex."

"I asked her for a snack, and all she gave me was lettuce wrapped in paper towels."

"This Darfur thing's got me pissed off. We need to do something. It's so bad over there. All that ethnic cleaning is just so wrong."
"Totally."
"You know, Darfur is the biggest country in Sudan."
"I totally didn't know that."
"Yeah, and the ethnic militias are just killing everyone. If Bush wasn't such an idiot, we could be over there right now, helping people. Instead, our military just kills people. All the time. I am so pissed off."

"I just don't see how she can compete against more prominent breasts."
"Breasts win battles."
"Breasts win wars."
"No, slipping it in wins the war."
"Breasts win battles. Booty wins the war."

"Hey, the line for the bathroom is here."
"Too bad."
"Hey, man. Hey, that ain't cool, bro. Lot's of people got to go. Hey, that's not cool."
"Why you yellin' at me, he's the one who went?"
"He's your boyfriend, right?"
"No, I've never seen that guy before."
"Oh, sorry."

"Hey, bitch! No fuckin' pushin'. We got a little girl here. Fuckin' bitch!"
"Think you could watch the language?"
"Hey, fuck you. We got a little girl here. I'm not lettin' her get fuckin' pushed."

"Wow, these fireworks are bad ass. Oh, look at that one. That's bad ass. Wow, blue, man, blue. That's bad ass. Oh, yeah! Red! Bad ass! Hey, look at those red ones! Bad Ass! This is so bad ass, man. Bad ass."

"Wow, that's a doozy of a drive. I've been through that corridor in Bend Over so many times that it makes my head spin."

"A bean and cheese burrito, please."
"Super burrito?"
"No, just a burrito with refried beans and cheese."
"No meat?"
"No, just refried beans and cheese."
"No rice?"
"No. Refried beans. Cheese. In a tortilla."
"What kind of salsa?"
"No salsa. Just refried beans and cheese. In a torilla."
"What kind of tortilla?"
"Are you kidding me?"
"Flour, wheat?"
"Just a regular one. Flour. White."
"Okay, a burrito with just refried beans and cheese."
"Yes, finally. Progresso."
"Huh?"
"Yes. You got it. Perfect."

"Wow, almost didn't make it on."
"Yeah."
"Spare any change?"
"Huh?"
"Spare any change?"
"What? You've got to be kidding me. No way. It's your own fault. Beggar."
"Excuse me, sir. That's totally uncalled for."
"What? Go mind your own business. It's uncalled for him to be begging on BART. Give him all your money."

"Come on, everybody! Come get that somosa, like you're suppossed ta!"

"Prune juice Slurpee."

"What the hell. What's up with this keyboard? It' short or something."
"Maybe it's Canadian."
"What? That's ridiculous."

"No, I live in Pacific Heights. That's where Nicholas Cage and Danielle Steele live. I mean, they're my neighbors, but it's not like I've ever seen them. I bet I'll see them someday."

"You should try wearing that fancy heart rate monitor when you're taking a dump."

"That guy is clearly not from America. Look, he's putting the cream cheese on top of his bagel."

"Hearing about all these Mexican rallies is putting me in the mood for a burrito."
"All the taquarias are closed today."
"What? What for?"
"The rallies."
"What? How am I going to get a burrito?"
"You're not."
"That's fucked up. These Mexicans have to get back to work."