"I think he really enjoys clearing brush off his ranch. He's probably pretty good at."
"You think he wakes up some mornings and thinks he'd rather be clearing brush off his ranch than being president?"

"He left his wife because he was having an affair with a German immigrant named Helga."
"That's terrible."
"She has her blonde hair done up in pig tails and everything. Just like the St. Pauli Girl, except she's fat. And now the two are totally into Netflix. So I don't know why Helga brought over her Tivo."

"Come on, everyone. Lunch. It's Thai Tuesday."
"I don't like Thai Tuesdays."
"Well, what do you suggest?"
"I don't know. Burgers."
"Burgers doesn't rhyme with a day."
"So."
"It's got to rhyme with a day, or we can't eat it. It's in the employee handbook."

"Hey, Michelle. I tried to contact you, but my Yahoo's broken."

"For a Hollywood fellow, that guy Wayne's got a lot of sense. What was his role on MASH? Trapper?"
"Who?"
"Trapper."
"Trapper? That's German. How long has he been our neighbor?"
"No, Mom. It's a TV character. She gets a little confused since the stroke."

"Look at that guy with long hair. What a creep. And they put people like that on TV. He probably smokes marijunana. People like him draw big crowds at those rock concerts. I don't understand what happened to this country."

"Channel two."
"Huh?"
"Channel two."
"You want channel two?"
"Yes."
"Well didn't you press the remote."
"Yes, I did."
"Well what did you do?"
"I didn't do anything. I pressed two."
"You did something because it's not working."
"All I did was press two."
"I think you broke it again. We'll have to reset the TV."
"All I did was press two."
"Let me work the remote from now on."

"What happened to her leg?"
"Oh, your grandma had a little fall. She tried to move the ironing board, while she was using her walker. She gets to wear that ski boot now. You know, those doctors are a bunch of idiots. We took her in because of the fall, and they ran a bunch of X-rays and MRIs and blood work, and you name it, they did it. They were convinced her heart made her fall down. Can't a person just fall down in this country anymore?"

"Kerry, oh, don't get me started on that traitor. He sold this country down the river. And now he's selling it down the river again. That traitor. We would've won Vietnam if people like him didn't protest it. And now the jerk is protesting Iraq. Did you hear what he said about our troops?"
"No, what did he say?"
"You didn't hear that thing on Fox News?"
"No, what was it?"
"Oh, I can't remember it now. But it was bad."

"Hey, the cough drop fell out of my mouth. Where did it go? Watch your step. You see it? Damn it, I still had plenty left on that thing. Oh, there it is. Good thing the carpet's clean."

"I don't know why we can't get lemon sherbet in this country. It's an outrage."

"He's a real sick-o. I mean, not a fun sick-o, just a real sick-o."

"Just make sure you don't get tricked into going to Oktoberfest on an empty stomach."

"Hi, John."
"Hey."
"Nice bag. You were in the Corp?"
"Yeah, a little place called Vietnam. Sixty-eight."
"No kidding? I was in the Air Force. Sixty-nine. Things were a little easier for us."
"I can't argue with that. Say, have you started receiving the retirement checks?"
"I sure have. Aren't those something?"
"Can't beat the benefits."
"No, sure can't."

"Carnations are my favorite flower. The Sound of Music is my favorite movie. Want to buy one of my tapes?"
"No."
"Okay, then."

"The burgers here suck."
"What else do you want to do today, go to gay land?"

"The bottom line is I have some kind of GI track problem."
"Maybe you should've taken it easy with the beer."
"Fuck that. Next week I'm going to Santa Barbara, and the weekend after that I'm going to Portland for a beer festival."
"Maybe you should get the GI track problem figured out before you go."
"No, Santa Barbara is fine. Just red wine and roasted pig. Portland, well, all the guys I'm going with are alcoholics, and they love chili."

"I don't know. There was some breast cancer event in the city. So we biked over to Marin. And we drank a lot. It was hard riding the bike back because I was so drunk. And the next two days were terrible. I just drank too much. I felt like ass. I need to go to a doctor, I think. I need some kind of uber antacid. Today."

"Piece. Of shit. Bus."

"You truly are an American badass."

"BAM! Just one good punch to the throat. BAM! Hi, bitch. How you doing? I was in Vietnam. Stay the fuck back."

"Well, the only advice I can give you about running a marathon is don't eat any Indian food the night before."

"Try some homemade almond brittle? It's better than young lovers."

"I'm Sheeba Memphis Tennessee. Been here forever. Came out here in the eighties. Before all you billionaires. Move over. Watch my bag. Get those feet of the way. Someone get the train to go. I said someone get this train to go. You all rich. Someone get this train to go."

"Dad, you need a time out. Stop hounding her about the jerky. It's not that big of a deal, really. All you're doing is upsetting everyone, and I don't want to be a part of it anymore."

"Being a seagull must be so great. You just float around all day and eat garbage people drop on the ground."

"What are you reading?"
"The map."
"Why? The Ferry Building is right there. It's practically in our faces."
"Why do you have to always nag me? I'm just looking at the map. Can't I just look at the map?"
"Of course you can. You don't have to be so angry all the time."

"Oh, don't talk to me about rosemary. Daniel, my ex, and I used to fight all the time about rosemary. He wanted it on everything. He used to put rosemary on steak, and I'd say, 'You're not supposed to put rosemary on steak,' and he'd say, 'I like rosemary--I can put it on whatever I want.' He was such a moron. I'm so glad I got rid of him."