"They better fucking have popcorn at the homeless shelter."

"You know that jazz cut I played you? That thing had too much pecker, huh?"

"The CalTrain conductor got on the intercom and said, 'Hold on everybody. We're going to hit a car.'"
"What?"
"He saw a car on the tracks, and told everyone to hold on."
"Was he German?"
"No, this was in Palo Alto."

"Say it. Snoop Dog and Ice Cube are da flavor."
"No. Ouch!"
"Say it! Snoop Dog and Ice Cube are da flavor."
"Okay, okay. Snoop Dog and Ice Cube are the flavor. Leave me alone."
"Say it again!"
"Okay."

"Their dog got out when they were on vacation, and it was picked up by Animal Control."
"At least they got it back."
"No, they didn't. During the two days the dog was at the shelter, some family adopted it."
"Oh, they'll get the dog back."
"No, the family that adopted it refuses."

"I don't remember my job title, so I just put down Senior Technical Writer."
"Why did you assume you are senior?"
"Because I'm over forty. I'm old."

"I can't believe you gave him your phone number."
"I know."
"What were you thinking?"
"I wasn't. I was drunk."
"You know he's going to shave your head, don't you?"

"I look at all your hypocrisy, your lies, your inconsistencies, and I just say to myself, thank God I ain't one of you white people. Y'all crazy!"

"There he goes again. I tell you, that guy's life is nothing but empty calories."

"I told you about my plan for the homeless, right?"
"Yeah, take them out...always the intellectual, you."
"Well everybody's got to work. I work. You work. There's no free lunch in nature. We're the only species that feeds its dead beats."

"Hey, don't hit me bitch!"
"You calling me bitch? You're the bitch. Bitch!"

"No, it tasked just like opium bread."

"Get out!"
"Hey, calm down."
"You! Out of my trash. Now!"
"Relax, man. You're ridiculous, you know that?"

"Where is it at?"
"Twenty Fourth Street."
"How far is that?"
"Not far."
"Is this Twenty Fourth Street?"
"No."
"Hey, are we going by Twenty Fourth Street now?"
"No, we're not quite there."
"How about now?"
"No."
"What about this street? Is this Twenty Fourth Street?"
"No, alright."
"What's wrong? I'm just asking if we're at Twenty Fourth Street."
"I'll let you know when we're there, okay."
"I don't want to miss it."
"We won't."
"Hey, is this Twenty Fourth Street?"
"No."
"What? What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Am I embarrassing you?"
"No."
"Say, is this Twenty Fourth Street?"

"No, dude. Walmart's too far. She's not worth it."

"You want to smoke a blunt?"
"Yeah."
"That game sucked BALLS."
"Yeah."

"Her German shepard has issues. Namely, it's a hermaphrodite."
"Hermaphrodite?"
"Yeah, it's got both parts."
"Does it hump itself?"
"No."
"Does it hump it's own leg?"

"No, he's not quite black."

"Did you see Boston's outfit today? I almost laughed in his face."
"What was with all the holes in his clothes?"
"Did you notice the hole in his pants."
"You mean the one in his butt? His butthole."
"You're so nasty tonight."
"Honey, I've nasty every night and twice as nasty on Sundays."

"Ninety-nine cents. Need a bag?"
"It's a pack of gum. Why do I need a bag?"

"Shit fucker. Shit. Fuck. Goddamn. Shit. Balloons."

"He said his name was Sugar Watson."

"I'm just like you, y'all! You hear me! Don't be looking at me like your shit don't stink. I'm a doctor. Just like y'all. Ain't no different. You hear me!"

"Any more questions?"
"Yeah, so the days we aren't on the jury, do we have to go back to work?"
"I think that would be a good idea, yes."

"And then the old lady bought a four hundred dollar blouse like it was nothing. And then she says, 'Are you two a couple?' And I said, 'No, but we both really like men.'"

"Is that chow mein any good? I'm not asking because you're Chinese, I'm just asking."

"Hey, the Internet is slow today. I wish Al Gore would get off his ass and fix it."

"What'd you want to do for lunch?"
"I don't know. Taylor's?"
"Yeah, home of the ten dollar burger and the girl with the big tit."

"Listen, when I'm drinking, do you really think I care if I shit my pants in a fancy restaurant? When it's time to cut loose, boy, I'm going to cut it."

"Remember when Chad told us how he used to be a prostitute?"
"Yeah, that was so cool."

"There's no question our civilization is in decline. Look how fat everyone is. Everyone's eating themselves to death. Preventable diseases are the number one killer in this country. I mean, look at that guy. Clearly he's in decline."

"I heard someone talk about how bad airport lines would be if terrorists figured out a way to make underwear bombs."

"You know, we've got some really serious shit going on in this world, and everyone's focused on the death of that Crocodile Hunter dude."
"Yeah, so? He was funny."

"Wow, there sure are a lot of dykes out here. I didn't realize they liked dogs so much."
"Children."
"Huh?"
"Dogs are their children."
"I don't get it."
"They're lesbians...they can't have children...so they buy dogs."
"Oh, I get it now."
"Took you long enough."
"Hey, I haven't had my coffee."

"Hey, is that food for us?"
"No, it's for my friend. She just had a nine and a half pound baby."
"Wow, nine and a half pounds. That's big."
"Yeah, and it came out of her yoo-hoo."