"Do you want to go dancing, or do you not want to go dancing?"
"Dance is all I know."

"He made up his own religion or something."
"You can do that? Isn't that illegal?"

"Once he started tying the bong to the dog's tail, I knew shit was going to happen."

"But I ordered the pass for the whole..."
"--Just a second, okay?"
"Sure, I just..."
"--One second. Just one single second. I'll be right with you in one second. I just need to help these people with their tickets first."
"Okay."
"My whole life's been like this, I swear."

"Even if I tied you up and kicked your ass, you'd still be cute."

"Weird city."

"I come from the kind of family where every time I watch Cops, I expect to see them on there."

"That's the white man's Bible! You think the white man care about you? The white man don't love you!"

"El bonero."

"What's the difference between Sex Addicts Anonymous and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous?"
"I guess one's for people that fuck people in grocery stores and parking lots, and the other is for people who stay with people who just fuck them."

"Radio booty."

"Yeah, I'm useless! You all useless, too! It's systemism. That's right: Systemism. We're all useless until the systemism ends."

"Can we make the office a No-Cutting-Your-Fingernails-Zone? Is that really too much to ask of people?"

"Team Kiss My Ass."

"I feel bad. I kind of treated him like an asshole."
"don't feel bad--he's Russian. Being assholes to each other is the only communication they understand. You try to be nice and calm and explain things; and they just keep poking and poking and poking until you have no other choice."

"If I have to hear about her issues one more time, I'm going to scream. I mean, I got issues of my own. Hell, I've got subscriptions..."

"I don't drink teas that are the same color going in, as they are going out. You know what I mean? That's just nasty."

"It's not like he's Jabba the Hutt fat. He's got a cute face."

"They're brothers. And they're gay. And they're lovers. And they're about the same size."
"Perfect."

"What'd you want to do?"
"I don't know. Let's go shopping and shit."

"You gotta love it. Barry White's The Love Unlimited Orchestra."

"Everyone should be allowed to go postal once, because, well, you know."

"Put that in the Fuck-It Bucket."

"No, that's the sign of a perfect barbecue place. Whenever a menu says Meat on a Bun, you know you've arrived."

"They took my shaving cream away from me at the airport, and my Dad is like, 'Just use olive oil. People have been shaving with olive oil for centuries.' I'm like, 'Dad, we're not living in the Roman Empire. Jesus Christ, how old are you?'"

"The thing is, he makes all his stupid decisions based on his new religion. But he doesn't even understand the religion."

"Why would he put on his resume that he's written three unpublished novels? That just leads me to believe he isn't a good writer. Hell, everyone's written a novel that hasn't been published. Even my grandma's written a novel."

"That's when the company was seeking a new CEO. But he was still CEO. Remember that company call when that guy asked, 'How's the search for the new CEO going?', and the CEO said, 'Why, is there something wrong with my performance? Do tell.'"

"Man, this meat is good. You've got to try it. It's the bomb."
"What kind of meat is it?"
"Dude, it's meat. Just eat it. It's the bomb."

"No, you don't have to bring nothing. Food and drinks will be provided. Just show up around two, and get the fuck out by six."

"Today's a hot chocolate day."