"We can't listen to CDs in our car. The kids always put pennies into the CD player and break it."

"Hey, I..."
"--Out of here! Now! Out of my office!"
"I just..."
"Out! Out of my space! Get the fuck out of here!"
"You can't..."
"The fuck out of here! Enough of you! Out! We're done!"
"You..."
"In my space! The fuck out of here!"
"I..."
"Enough of you! I'll put hands on you!"

"Post one. A balloon lady came in. Take her out if she gets out of hand. Copy."
"Yeah, this is post one. I think that's a balloon man."
"Balloon person. Whatever. Make sure it's not nuts."
"Yeah, copy. Hey, did the cops get those guys out of the bathroom."
"Arrested. Over."

"No, no, no, nigga. Check this out. I got exposure and shit. Hell, yeah. They put my track on Big Billy's CD. No, I ain't going to play it for you. The fuckin' CD ain't out and shit. You gotta wait. But I'll sing you some of the shit. Sit back. Here goes."

"Last night at happy hour, we were going around the table, asking people what fun meant to them. Remember how that guy next to you said, 'When a party is getting really out of control--when women start taking off their tops and dancing.' And then remember how the girl next to him just said, 'Cats.' That was the best."

"Come on, ladies. Get into the groove, you've got to prove, your love to me. Come on, y'all. Step on your feet, tell me the beat, girl what's it going to be. Come on, bitches."

"What was grandpa's favorite food?"
"Potatoes. And anything with gravy."

"My wife and I have been married for sixty-two years. And I've been doing some reading on marriage. You know, they say the more time that goes by, the more a husband and wife become one. They become each other. A husband and wife learn the best from each other, and they learn to discard the faults. In other words, they grow together and become spiritually entwined. In mythology, some stories talk about how a husband and wife become one entity, just like how a lot of religions talk about how our souls become one with God when we die. That's why gay marriage is foolish. You can't get a whole out of one part."

"You know, your grand-dad had a special name for each one of his daughters. Cute little names, you know. He, too, had names for each of his son-in-laws. But, being in polite company, I won't tell you what those were."

"Sorry to hear about the death of your grandfather, George. I mean, John. John was the best."

"My goal out of college was to just sit at a desk for forty hours a week and get paid. In my wildest dreams, I never thought I'd succeed."

"Oh, Lord, guide me as a travel through the Valley of Coffee."

"Fuckin' Microsoft. Piece. Of. Shit."

"And don't forget the ling-ling."

"It's weird. When that guy is on speaker phone, he sounds like Frankenstein."

"There's nothing in his will about what he wanted at his funeral. It just says pay for it quickly."

"Jesus Christ. Can't they teach these fancy managers with their expensive MBA's that you can solve problems by responding to email?"

"Have you thought about what you're going to get me for Valentine's Day?"
"No, I haven't had time. Maybe I'll get you some panties or something."

"That sourdough cheese wheel you just bought...that changes lives."

"This concert is bullshit. Jefferson Starship used to mean something. Now, they're just capitalists pigs like everyone else."

"Yeah, Jefferson Starship! Yeah, rock! Come one, we built this shitty! We built this shitty! We built this shitty on rock and roll! Yeah, baby. Shitty, come on!"

"Lookin' sharp, Walter. What is that, like a Borg head piece?"
"What's a Borg?"
"Oh, you're not a true computer geek. You don't know what a Borg is?"
"No."
"Don't you watch Star Trek?"
"No, that's stupid."

"That's when I reach for my burrito. That's when I blow it all away."

"I mean, just 'cuz I'm his friend doesn't mean I'm going to automatically like his band. Frankly, they suck. I don't know why he got so pissed when I told him."

"So, I was saying...Wow, oh my God. That's a big ass boat out there. What is that thing?"
"The Queen Marry 2. It sailed in yesterday."
"It's the size of a country."

"Oh, Ben is such a whore. Go tell him he's a whore. Just call his whore-ass up and tell him. He'll answer his whore-phone and be whore-thrilled."

"Hi. Hey, you can say, 'Hi', can't you? What's wrong with, 'Hi'? Hey, this is the west coast. West coast. We say, 'Hi' here."

"If you had a kidney stone, you'd know if. My ex, who was a marine, was on the floor in a fetal position when he had them."
"I bet women can push them out easily."
"No way. It's asking a lot to push a rock out of a small tube."

"I like my dentist. I'm not too crazy about the gum guy, though."
"Nobody likes the gum guys."

"Apathy kills your ass."

"I golf, therefore I swear."
"Ha-ha!"
"Ha!"
"Ha!"