"I need a pair of shorts. They're so hard to find. I saw a pair I liked last month, but I didn't buy them. Now, I'm regretting it. I know I'll never find a pair like that again. When you get to be my age, you just know when you're not going to find something you like. It's just par for the course. I like shorts, you know."

"It's only three blocks."
"Three blocks!"
"I'm sure it won't kill us to walk today."

"Yeah, that baby needs its diaper changed all right."

"How are you feeling?"
"How am I feeling what?"
"You know, generic, overall well-being."
"On a scale of one to ten, I'd say a seven point eight. But that doesn't include my stomach acting up this morning."

"The other floors need paper in their copy machines, but this floor requires it. This floor is paper critical."

"I said meet me at one o'clock on Monday."
"No, you didn't."
"Yes, I did. Monday at one o'clock."
"I get it already."
"No, you don't. You weren't there on Monday at one o'clock. What do I have to do to get your attention, light myself on fire?"

"Those are such lovely sunglasses."
"Thank you so much."
"Did you get them on sale?"
"No, Gucci, as you know, never goes on sale. They were only nine-hundred, so I figured it wasn't that big of a deal."
"Oh my God. Only nine-hundred? I paid twelve-hundred for mine."
"That's not so bad. What's a couple hundred dollars?"

"Hey, don't take my fuckin' seat, bitch. That's mine. Shit. Hey, here's my dog. Take a look at this little fucker. He's Mexican and shit, but he ain't Mexican. Like from there, you know? Here's the bag I keep him in. Oh, shit. He pissed the bag. You little fucker. You pissed your bag. Hey, hold my dog. He likes you. Look at that shit. What, you don't like him? What the fuck's wrong with him?"
"Nothing."
"Where you from? Hey, where you from?"
"Here."
"You ain't from here. I'm from here. Born and fuckin' raised. San Fuckin' Francisco. What school you go to? Lincoln? Lowell? Where you from?"
"It doesn't matter."
"You're cool, dog. Come on, give it up. Give it up?"
"I don't understand."
"Give it up, man. Shake my fuckin' hand."
"No."
"What the fuck, man. What the fuckin' fuck?"
"Don't touch me."
"Fuck you, man. Fuckin' asshole. Where you from? Fuckin' Carolina? Get the fuck out of here. Fuckin' bitch. I'm from the 'hood and shit. I'll fuckin' kill you. Fuck this shit, man. Can you believe that mother fucker?"

"If there is a God, I wish he'd get off his ass and do something about all this madness."

"You know that guy that came in with the donuts."
"Yeah."
"Is that Jared's boyfriend?"
"No, I don't think so. He's more of his man-friend."

"I usually only buy wine that has pictures of animals on the label."

"Russia is building a tunnel under the Bering Strait?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Well didn't someone tell them that's dumb?"

"Why didn't you call me back, bitch?"

"You know, if you come to America and don't learn English, that's fine. If you come to America and don't learn how to use the fuckin' turn signal on your car, then you should get deported."

"Excuse me, hey? Do you know where I can park around here without wasting two hours?"
"Here? No."

"I noticed all the documentation was broken, and then realized it was only the German files. Something German was going on here."

"Excuse me. Are those peddle pushers or capris you're wearing? My boyfriend says their peddle pushers, but he's a queen and doesn't know anything. I say they're capris."

"I'll have the western burger and a French cream soda."
"Trust me, you don't want the fucking cream soda."
"Oh. Why?"
"It's sick ass. It's like half a cup of half and half with half a cup of blueberry syrup. I tell all the customers to stay the fuck away from it. Just 'cause it's on the menu doesn't mean it should be."
"Okay."

"Hey, Randy. Check out these socks."
"No, Dad."
"Why not? Don't you need socks?"
"Let's go already."
"What are you in such a rush for?"
"I just want to go, all right."
"You sure woke up on the wrong side of the bed."

"Every time I close my eyes, I see the blue pig."

"Hitler, now that guy didn't fuck around."

"If you don't know your R&B history, then you're just lost out there."

"Excuse me, what kind of dog is that? She's a cutie."
"Just a mutt, really."
"Weird, we've been seeing a lot of dogs that look just like her."
"Yeah, I've noticed that too."
"I guess a few dogs have been getting busy around here."

"Help the San Francisco police department?"
"No thanks."
"Are you a San Francisco voter?"
"No."
"You want to sign something anyways?"

"I don't understand why he was so surprised to see that article about the horse and the naked man in the New York Times."