"My God, man. I saw some big people in Green Bay. I mean big. You ever been to Green Bay?"
"No."
"My God. I saw one woman, six hundred pounds, I swear. And when people get that big, man, it's hard to tell if they are man or woman, you know? Just big."
"Yeah, it's amazing how big people are in America. Whenever I'm out of the country, it's just striking how much thinner people are. I was in India a couple of years ago--"
"--India, man. I don't know how those countries even feed all those people. Where do they get all the rice for China, you know?"
"Yeah, but people in India were just thin."
"It's the burritos, man. Everyone here likes their burritos. Extra beans. Super. Look at that guy over there. His head's so big you don't even see the neck. Oh, I bet he's had a burrito today. If not, he's one his way. Hey, man, extra beans! That's right, extra beans!"

"My friend's having a birthday party for her dog. Is that weird?"

"That woman we interviewed yesterday..."
"Yeah."
"What a piece of work."
"Yeah, she was a beast."

"I saw the most disgusting thing yesterday at Crissy Field."
"Yeah, what's that?"
"A yellow lab ran up to a huge pile of horse crap, and just started scooping it up in his mouth like a bulldozer, and eating it."
"That's disgusting."
"It's owner couldn't pull him away from it, either. The owner looked so humiliated."

"No, he's grasping at straws. If he didn't smoke so much pot... No, I've never seen someone smoke so much pot. He's smoked so much he should be dead. No, You tell him if he doesn't pay the rent, I'll sue him. I'm tired of paying his share. You know, we're buying pot by default because we pay his rent."

"No, I got Famous Wayne to shine my shoes. And he shines one bad ass, mother fucking shoe. What? I don't know why he's famous. That's just what he calls himself. What? He can call himself whatever he wants, that doesn't mean he's famous. I know that. But maybe he saved someone's life or something."

"He kind of came out to himself when he came out to me. Then I came out to him. I said I think you love people for who they are, not their gender."
"That's so sweet."
"I never thought I could make love to a guy. And he never thought he could make love to a woman. It was truly moving."

"There's just too many cats. I mean, look at all the cat poop out there."
"It's not as much as dog poop."
"No, that's just not accurate. You're seeing cat poop but thinking it's dog poop. Don't get me wrong, I'm not for the mass killing of cats, but I wouldn't be opposed to it, really."

"Dude, everyone's, like, going to Burning Man this year. This whole, like, neighborhood is going to clear out."
"You going?"
"Fuck, yeah. I'm going to get so, like, fucking fucked up."

"What's this?"
"A picture of John Tesh."
"Why's it on my desk?"
"You've been Teshed."

"Hey, everyone. I'm the real black man, right here. Check this out. Hundred percent real."

"I remember when everyone worried that their daughters would become flappers... My sister, God bless her heart, came home one night with a bob-haircut, and our mother just about died."

"I want to sit for a week before I sit again."
"What, Grandma?"
"You know, sit?"
"Yeah."
"That's what it is, after they have us pay seven dollars and eighty cents."
"Okay."

"She's just always there. I get coffee in the morning, she's there. I eat some dinner, she's there. Time to run errands, she's there too. Even to smog check the car. Nobody told me marriage was like this."

"Want to see my little Fabio? Come with us to Six Flags, and you can see it there."

"My Mama's makin' dinner tonight."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. You want to come over?"
"I don't know. What she makin'?"
"I don't know. Let me call her. Mama, it's me. Yeah. What're you makin' for dinner? Yeah. She's makin' liver and onions. You want some?"
"Liver and onions. I haven't had that since I was ten. How's she cookin' it?"
"Mama, how you cookin' it? She says fried."
"Fried? I thought you boiled liver."
"Mama, don't you boil liver. She says, 'No, don't be stupid.'"

"I'm of the opinion that I don't want to hear your opinion."

"Stop. Driver, stop!"
"There's no stop here."
"This is my stop."
"This is my bus."

"Hitler's bagpipes."

"Thanks for nothing, hippie."

"Can you imagine how much money you'd make if you could genetically engineer a dog that didn't crap or shed?"
"Well, they've got to allow for some kind of metabolistic functions."
"Maybe they could figure out an orifice that gets plugged into a wall."

"I'm not a coffee addict, I'm a coffee enthusiast."

"I bet they don't have white carpet at chicken camp."