"I think my strengths are that I can sit down with customers and really understand their problems. Then, I'm really good at brainstorming solutions with them, and helping them get immediate results."
"You sound like such a douche bag."

"If I get on that ferry to Tiburon, I'm not coming back. I'm going to get drunk."

"Peoples, wear no more underwear. Stop the oppression!"

"It's kind of an emergency. He wants a man dressed as a woman. And he's not taking no for an answer."

"You have to get some mileage out of these weekends. Because next thing you know, you're dead."

"Hand. In. Jacket."
"Mommy, no!"
"Hand. In. The. Jacket. Now."
"No!"
"No more no's. I want the hand in the jacket immediately, young man."
"Ha, I farted'ed."
"That's it. Give me that hand."
"No!"

"Doooooode, fuckin' lunar eclipse, man. Hey, the vodka. Over here."
"Total fuckin' lunar fuckin' eclispe, dude."
"Hell, yeah. Look at that shit."
"Dude, give it back. I want a shot."
"Shots!"
"Dude."
"Shots!"
"Fuckin' give it back. Dude, not cool."

"You see, there's some kind of sewage connection causing that smell in the dishwasher. You smell that?"
"Not really."
"You really got to get your head in there. Go ahead. How about now?"
"Yeah, that stinks."
"You should smell the dishwasher on three. My God, does that one smell. It's like the sewage line is directly connected to the dishwasher or something. Nobody even complained about it. I only noticed it a month ago when I washed my coffee cup. I wonder how long people have been washing there dishes in that one."

"Banana Republic? Banana Ridiculous is more like it."

"I started reevaluating my life when an ex-girlfriend of mine stood outside of my apartment, drunk, yelling, 'John, give me back my vibrator!'"

"What, bitch? You don't love me no more. Yeah, then I don't want to see you. Or hear you. You know what I'm saying? Hey? Hello? Hello? Stupid bitch."

"Hey, did you know you can buy Listerine in six-packs?"
"No."
"Isn't that great?"
"Sure, I guess."

"Fuck the Yoga Tree. That bitch with the mohawk tried to steal my yoga mat."