"Damn these seats. Jesus Christ. I need a drink. Hey, everyone, bet on the clowns. That's right. You heard me."

"Excuse me, sir, I'm hungry."
"Me, too. And after working hard all day, I'm going to go home and eat."

"What would you do with a million dollars?"
"I don't know why everyone expects to hear a dramatic answer to that question."
"It's fun."
"Not to me. If I had a million dollars, I'd just pay off my place, put the rest in the bank, and quit my job. Then I'd probably walk around a lot."

"I used to think I was the lowest piece of shit. Then, after working on myself, I realized I was just a piece of shit. And now, after much more continued work on myself, I know that I'm okay, that I'm just like everyone else. I'm an ordinary piece of shit."

"See, this is from the earthquake. Right here."
"Yeah."
"This here is from a kid with a skateboard."
"Okay."
"This here is from--hey, you with me?"
"Yeah."
"This is from that Critical-Mass-protest thing that got out of hand."

"My boss said I couldn't work the counter because of my eye."
"That's some shiner."
"Yeah, but I told my boss I can work. I told him he should've seen what I did to the bitch that hit me."

"Why would they prop the mannequin up like that?"
"I don't know. Maybe they want its face to look like a pussy."

"I've had to deal with some bad news, too, you know. Not too long ago, the doctors diagnosed me with Alzheimer's. Hell, I didn't even know how to spell Alzheimer's. They said I had mild dementia, too. I thought my world had come to an end. But you know, it hasn't. Things aren't perfect, they never are, but things aren't as bad as I always think they'll be. Sometimes the ladies show up, and sometimes they don't. Even at my age, one or two will show up."

"But really, everything in life can be boiled down to either StarTrek or Sex in the City."
"Or Cops."
"No, not Cops."
"Only StarTrek. Well, really only Sex in the City."
"Cops...."
"How do you relate to Cops? You're a white guy from Orange County."
"Everything boils down to people's stupid decisions and how those stupid decisions affect others. Cops is the easiest media representation of that world view."
"Wow, okay. But I've never watched Cops and saw how it relates to my life. On the other hand, Sex in the City--"
"--I only wish Sex in the City related to my life."
"I think you have to be single and promiscuous. I should say, I used to be able to relate to it."

"Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for the night. Light a man on fire, and he'll be warm the rest of his life."
"That's really terrific, Andrew."
"Hey, that's the wisdom I get when I can't sleep and stay up eating an entire box of Chips Ahoy! cookies."

"Hey, you can't come in here."
"I need some water."
"Sorry, you can't come in."
"I just ran a marathon. I just need a bottle of water."
"Sorry, you can't get it here."
"There's a crate of water right there. I just ran goddamn twenty-six miles. I paid for that goddamn water."
"Hey, give the guy some water!"
"Fuck, yeah, dude!"
"Okay, here."
"Gee, thanks."

"Hey, people, this is my hundredth marathon! Give it up for me! Come on, someone. What the hell? A hundred marathons, right here! Come on, someone clap. Jesus Christ. Yeah, right there. I got a clap. Thank you, sir!"

"You notice that three-second delay on the doors opening when we swipe our badges?"
"Yeah, that's dangerous when you got to take an explosive dump. No, listen. I'm serious. On Tuesday, my stomach was killing me. Something was dying inside. And I like ran to the bathroom, and both stalls were taken. So, I head over to the next building, and all three stalls were occupied over there, too. So, I took the elevator up to the eighth floor, and all three of those fucking stalls were taken. I was, like, what am I going to do? So I ran back to our floor, checked the stalls there again, and they were still busy. I went back to my desk and just sat there for a while. I thought I was going to lose it right there. We'd all be going home early if I did that. So, finally I just said fuck it and took the shuttle bus home. That was the most painful thirty-five minutes of my life. But at least the stalls were open at the San Mateo office."