"Dude, I can't wait until the oil apocalypse happens. All these fat chicks will have to ride bikes and they'll loose weight and look hot."

"No, her kids are loud and she's a bitch. You need to get up in her face and tell her that. Tell you what, when I get back to Ohio, if she hasn't quieted down and moved the cars off the lawn, I'll throw a hammer in her window."

"Honey, don't let him go over there."
"He's excited."
"He's going straight for the dog pooh. Oh, Tommy! Put that down. You don't want that."

"Here I was going to retire in a month, and this financial tsunami crashed down on us. Guess I'll be working a few more years... Then again, there was a time where I never even thought of retirement, when I was living in a VW bus with a tranny named Tiny, shooting speed."

"Why is that guy in the Road Warrior named Humongous?"
"Because he's fucking humongous."
"Oh."

"No, no. The only way to make sure a woman ain't got no diseases is to get on down there and eyeball it."
"What?"
"You got to get on down there, you know what I mean? Get down on your hands and knees and spread it wide open and look around in there."
"No woman's going to let you do that."
"Tell them you're into just staring at it, that it gets your motor running, and she'll let you camp out down there as long as you want."

"Nothing has simplified my life like buying only black tee-shirts and black socks."
"But don't you get a bunch of black lent on your feet?"
"Who cares? Nobody's looking at my feet."

"Those dykes sure didn't think his Fear of a Big Black Dick shirt was funny."

"Sam's got a girlfriend!"
"No way!"
"Yeah, even Sam."
"Sam's ugly."
"He had to ask her, like, five times before she said yes."
"Isn't that harassment?"
"No, Mrs. Fritchy said it isn't."

"You know how embarrassing it is for your kid to break his wrist rollerblading? I mean, rollerblading? I told my ex not to let him near those things. I mean, anybody rollerblading is gay, right? And I don't want my kid to be gay. I've got nothing against gay people, I just don't want my kid looking gay all over the neighborhood on Rollerblades. That's just not right. It's not good parenting."

"Hey, you all going to get detention for being late."
"So what. I like detention 'cuz we all there."

"I didn't really want to listen to what he had to say. He said he didn't call God 'Jesus' or 'God' like a lot of people. He referred to God as 'Ted.'"

"With this fever, I feel like my head's going to implode."
"That's better than having your ass explode."